Homeopathics

I'm sitting here waiting for the tea kettle to boil. I haven't had a decently made hot beverage in a few days now, and I think it is messing me up. I miss it.

What a full past few days it has been. I love and hate the holiday season.
I love it when I'm not working, I suppose is the clearer way to put it.

But, finally, I got to be the one on the paying side of the counter, after I was done work this afternoon.
5-9.5 hour shifts for the three busiest days of the year really takes the pep out of you, I have to say.
(Unfortunately, it also makes the desire to spend your own cash even stronger. I did fairly well though, I think, for a compulsive/emotional buyer.)

And dinner tonight, with a couple others, was awesome! In a place I'd never been before, but I'd heard good things about. I want to go again and have already started concocting plots in my head to sucker others into going there with me sometime soon.

It's almost a new year! I'll be twenty next year. I know the actual date of my birthday is still over nine months off, but it kind of scares me.
I'm getting old.
And yes, I know, it's not that old. I'm still young. There are lots out there that are much older than me.
I don't care.
When I was a kid, people the age that I am going to be were towers in my life. So old and so smart, going places and full of knowledge and all adult like and with brimming and rosy social lives.
I just don't think I quite fit that bill that I wrote out years ago, and it's kind of intimidating and scary and rather sad.

New Years also means new resolutions. I think we all make them, sappy or not, unintentional/subconsciously or no.
I don't know if I have any, other than "get more things accomplished"
Vague or what?
The only resolution I had for this new years was to get away with being wasted for most of the thing, unlike what happened last time....
(That and I keep having dreams about mistletoe. My subconscious wishes to live out a 16 year old's fantasy.)
But these things are not to be talked about.

On the bright side, I'm going to have tea and cheesecake.
Christmas in the house of an Uncle and a cousin who went to chef school means about a gazillion pounds of food at Christmas time.

Bring a Torch, Jeannette-Isabella

The song that is my title right now, is a carol that always intrigued me as a child because we had this book where you pressed a button and a carol would play. each carol corresponded to a page in the book that had a picture and the lyrics to the song. This particular song was written in French, and as a 7 year old I never knew what it meant. I should look it up.

This Christmas has been very strange. It didn't feel very Christmassy in comparison to previous ones. I miss my older sister a lot. Usually Christmas Eve for my family consists of going to midnight mass, and I would usually stand beside her or near her, and we would lean on each other and make strange faces at each other/laugh when the choir (or us) messed up by either singing way out of tune or at the incorrect time. We'd give each other a kiss and a hug during the sign of peace.
After mass, and after some drinks and a movie, we'd go and sleep in the same double bed and fall asleep close to each other talking about school and boys.

This year, she is out of the country and I sat beside a different sister and my Dad during mass.
I started crying before mass had even started.
I guess it just doesn't feel very Christmassy for me without her.

On the bright side, I walked out of this one with only a few scratches (not to mention my beautifully healed/raised scar from halloween which is a wonderful snow-white colour), new nylons, a blue notes gift card, and 200 dollars.

Ah, Christmas.

Something odd, as I walked in the door when I came home, my dad told me I had lost weight. Needless to say, he was actually correct, however, I find it interesting that he tells me this each time it is obviously apparent that I have lost, but only my mother will tell me that I have gained.
I think this means my father is a smart man.
:P

Although, all the delicious food I ate today should probably cancel out anything I've lost...

Oh. last thing. One thing I love about Christmas are all of the texts at all hours of the day that tell you Merry Christmas.
I love them so much :)

Merry Christmas everyone :)
(and if you aren't Christian or don't celebrate Christmas or whatever, I apologize for infringing upon your beliefs but screw it, that's how I was raised, that's what I say, and that's what I believe so suck it up.)

Why do I keep having headaches?

I got lucky with the bus systems yesterday when the bus I was on turned into the bus I was going to need to transfer to as well when it pulled into the terminal.
Also, there were some very poorly drawn penises on the windows of the bus. My day was brightened when I saw another passenger get on, and then pull out his iPhone to snap a picture of it.
(I've done it before)

Apparently if I don't seem "joyous" at work, people ask me if I'm okay.
I think I was just tired yesterday. Oh well.

My editing is going well. It's not very easy, which I think means that I'm doing it correctly. If I were just flying through it I think I'd be concerned.
(especially since I'm only at 85 pages.)

My secret santa at work liked his gift; I am pleased ^_^
Now I only have to get a few more out of the way and then I'm done for the year.
I find it interesting how I run giving Christmas gifts like a business project.
I buy, wrap, and then seek out to get rid of them.
Heh.

Also, Head and Shoulders is made of the same stuff as Comet.
Oooh, the things you learn at Staples.
(I feel quite happy I never used it.)

Adopted Princess

As a side note to life, I'm finished pms-ing. What a relief, I heartily send my apologies to any persons I may have irritated with my hormonal immaturity over the last litte while and blog posts.

:S

It's funny how when you have no kids to get angry at, you just get depressed instead. Apologies for all the depressing blogs. What is there, in them, is still true in the underlying, but it's below me to live the past over and over. Everyone needs to move on at some point, and I'm not dead, so this all is supposed to have made me stronger.

We'll see about that, but I feel better. I know I don't like being alone, and I know that is a large part of the problem, but that just means I have to go out and meet people, and put myself out there and share that great capacity to love and accept and be friends with that I know I have, and that I'm insanely proud of.

I don't care if my mother is right, and I am Naïve. I don't know if that's what allows me to become so depressed so easily, this childishness I have that makes me upset at the first sight of things going wrong.

I know it will get tiring to have this weight all the time, to go with the ups and downs.

But it makes me, me. I never want to lose whatever childishness or naïveté or innocence that I have.

I want to revel in it.

I don't need to be experienced in every single little thing that's out there in the world. All I need to be happy is what I'm supplied in my bubble.

Give me my friends, my family, some food and water, pillows and tons of pen and paper and I'm set for life. I realized that a while ago, and I forgot it somewhere again along the way.

I'm glad I found it in the ditch again though.

(And why do I have an insanely happy photo of myself from an old sleepover I had three years ago with my cousin? Because I'm full of myself, and I know it, and I love it. And because I'm actually happy again, like I was at this point.)

<3<3<3

Oh Lord, I need to get back in school again. Apologies.

It would be so easy for me to just give up and give in. To become like the others, to lose my own ideals for someone else's. To amalgamate, to assimilate. It would be so simple to just forget what I believe in favour of someone else.

Would I want someone so badly as to do that? I'm such a scaredy cat. What would be the point.

Do I want to feel accepted, do I want to feel like I belong?
Why wouldn't I feel like I belonged in the first place; I don't understand. Where is this insecurity coming from, is the question.
Because I would get so afraid to lose what I have.
I would feel so wrong about it.
I'd be just going with the crowd, losing myself in a sea of people who are so sad and afraid themselves that they want nothing but to relate with each other on flimsy topics.

I need something more, but I'm scared too.

The only one beating me up here, telling me, asking me, if I want to be like the rest, is myself. There's no one in the room pointing a gun at my head and telling me to change how I think. It's just me, me and my brain, my brain telling me I should do something soon before that gun is pointed at my head.

But no one's going to point that gun. Never.
If someone did that, I would not feel like becoming like them. I don't like guns.

Instead, I would ask myself how I could have ever fallen in friendship with someone who would do that to me.

Which is why, when I calm my silly stupid little brain down, I'm not afraid anymore.
When I stop spazzing out, I tell myself I should stop becuse there are lots of people who love me just the way I am.
If I change, I'm not going to be the only one, and it will happen in my own time and the way I want it to go, and everyone I know will be growing with me, because that is just the way that these things happen. If we grow apart, so be it, but it won't be because I was threatened.

If we grow closer, it will just be more affirmation for me.

^_^

Small Luminescent Hands

I just drank some really good ginger ale! I always find it tastes best the first sips out of a two litre bottle, as opposed to the cans or 590 mL bottles. Yumm.

As a side note...

I'm so cold that my nipples are almost permanently erect. Grrr.

This has been nearly constant for the past three weeks.

I hope this isn't bad for them.

I would turn up the heat, but I had a bad dream about the fireplace exploding, and I don't even know where the thermostat is, so I'll let it be.

It doesn't help that I spend a third of my day in the room where one wall is almost completely a glass window.

Plus, I have accumulated a mass amount of sweaters from going to not one, but two of the most incorrectly heated schools on the planet.

I'll just suck it up; after all, maybe it's just telling me to do more baking and heat up the house ;)

(or to just get off my ass in general because I'm a lazy child.)

As I was waiting at the bus stop, my life took a depressing turn. I wonder if I should get it checked out.

But I'm worried if I'm not just fueling it with this blogging dealio.

I wonder if I should stop, although I know I never could because I always feel fathoms better after typing.

Still, doesn't help my situation.

Sorry about the upcoming turmoil you're about to endure.

I'm so sick of myself.

My narcissism, my over-obsession with things, my drama queen style, my bitchiness, my ego.

Obnoxiousness, volume, impulsivity, childishness, unworldliness, and the fact that I like to show off whenever I can.

My insecurity, my self-pity which I loathe but cannot escape.

I'm so sick of being terrified I'll become one of those people who will always expect everyone to sympathize. A pity party. Someone who cannot go on without everyone on their side.

I'm so sick of being terrified that friends will drop me oh-so-quickly because I'm getting old playing the same record over and over.

I'm afraid I'll become my own victim again. I'll fall prey to my memories and lose myself in them, believing that that is all that I am worth, and will not be able to convince others otherwise.

I'm afraid that I trust people too much, but scared of what would happen if I couldn't have the ability to do so.

My mother once said she thinks I'm so sensitive [to myself and others] because I am sensitive to the unseen forces around us. (ie-spirits angels and demons etc etc I find this riveting coming from a strong Catholic)

I suppose that can happen to people.

She also said I have a beautiful naivete to myself.

I'm scared what the world wants to do with that.

Snowflakes keep fallin' on my head

So I was just itching to write something all day.

I was so full of life, not in the vigorous way, but just so much to feel, I wanted to explode.

Unfortunately, my attempt at doing this was less than mind blowing.

In reflection, what I was personally feeling twisted so many times.

It usually happens whenever I write, which is why I'm so terrified that I'm a terrible writer.

Oh well.

I don't dislike it that much :)

Saw the craziest man on the bus today. Kept talking to himself, or someone, and checking his watch. I wish he hadn't sat right across from me.

I found something to give to my secret santa at work. Hooray.

Speaking of work...oh.

I had to work at 7.45 this morning, so I set my alarm for 6...

and somehow turned it off thinking I'd give myself a few more minutes...

and then woke up at 6.51.

My bus was due to leave at 7.04, so I booked it into my uniform and coat and ran as fast as I could without breaking my neck on the ice out to my stop.

This is why you always make the lunch the night before.

I have to say though, going to work that early is absolutely beautiful.

The bus drivers are nicer, it's not so cold, you're in a lovely state of drowsiness which can be made happy with some headphones and Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker, and the sky is a marvelous colour, especially with the dimming yellow streetlights.

Riding the bus by myself in the evening depresses me.

Riding it by myself in the morning comforts me; I have the whole day ahead of me, and it already looks like it's going to be beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful.

There are some things in life that aren't (unless you mean, "that's beautiful!" because it makes you laugh so much.)

This is one of them

You can also go to the main site for more visual delight.

Back to the Start.

I had a good day today, stayed inside, made and wrapped things, cleaned, and avoided spending money. I even rewatched FOTC episodes again while I was doing this.

I ate a yummy dinner that filled me up, and which, again, I did not have to spend money on.

And then I started to make a list of things I will have to spend money on, so that I can bank my funds properly to the right places.

So I go online to check my balances.

In one tab, my bank account, in another tab, my Hotmail.

My email loaded faster than the bank account, and I saw that I had a few messages from my sisters, back and forth, talking about what we were to get my parents for Christmas.

Now, don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that it's the right thing to get my parents gifts.

We also tend to all pool our money together, but at Christmas time, my oldest sisters insist on getting really really really good gifts for them, and the older you are in line, the more you pay.

So, that means I'm going to be paying hella lot of money for these six gifts.

Apparently we need three for each parent.

Don't think I'm being cheap. But since having my (taxed) salary cut by 2/3's, discovering I have to pay nearly 400 for university applications, having to pay rent, paying for bus passes usually my own food, as well as my own necessary items that I keep discovering that I must buy now that I am not in the safe folds of a big family of any sort, and for simply Christmas in general--well, I've found myself a little bit more tight, monetarily, let's say.

(Yes, I know, one doesn't have to spend tons of money on gifts at Christmas, their friends will understand...I'm not even spending that much right now on the holiday season, it's just accumulated.)

Were I to complain?

Well, where do you spend all your money, D?

And if I don't feel like telling them this because it's none of their damn business and sorry I'm only nineteen and have neither government loans, a job that a University degree can provide, or the security to just simply borrow?

Well, you shouldn't waste your money. *unsympathetic face and bitch voice*

Well, are you sure this isn't just because I'm a little bit slow to throw my money at my parent's presents?

Because let's be honest. I'm not going to pretend that I only give gifts to those that I believe deserve them for some reason or another.

They're family.

So what?

So am I saying I don't think my parents deserve them?

To a degree.

You get what you give out.

I get that my parents have done a lot. They're great people. They're nice. They care.

Whatever.

I'm sorry if I'm the only daughter of their decision to have a mammoth family that feels a little bit left out. I'm sorry if I never felt that same love that apparently everyone else on the planet could see. I'm sorry that I'm weird, that I think differently than the rest of you, that my interests are strange, that my definition of things in life, things like beauty and love and what is right and wrong, are different than yours.

I'm sorry if I show other people that I'm angry.

I'm sorry that I'm honest.

I wholeheartedly apologize to the fact that I don't want to become indebted at my age because I don't feel myself obliged to give a quarter of my paycheque to these two people at their birthdays and anniversary and Christmas and Easter and Father's day and Mother's day and whatever else fucking holiday adults come up with to suck money out of the youth.

I don't feel obliged to do this for two people who do all but skip my own birthday every year, have never made efforts to support me financially in anyway except when I beg for twenty dollars, give dollar store gifts at Christmas, have always made me pay for my own and a million other little things that feel like getting run over and over by a bus again and again.

To the point where I want nearly nothing to do with you. I don't feel like answering with anything other than "okay" when you end with "I love you", something you've decided to say of late.

To the point where you make me so angry all the time.

To the point where your unsupportiveness causes me to get out of reach.

To say I work on birthday's and events, because I didn't feel like asking for that day off.

To the point where I'm just not available to you, and now you realize all the shit that was wrong before, but now it's too late and you cry and you wish I would come back and you still think it was all my fault.

But I can't feel for you anymore, because I lost that ability when it comes to you.

A long time ago.

You want your Deanna back. The sweet, loving little girl that you know is inside there. The one with the big heart and who always wanted you to just say that it was okay to cry.

But now it's too late for that.

She can't come back to you, because she lost her home and now she doesn't have one.

Claddagh

When I was in middle school we had "Hawaiian Day".

Everyone came in Lei's and flower print shorts and and grass skirts.

I instead, went in what my mother lent me--an authentic Hawaiian muui muui she had got when she went on vacation years ago. I was absolutely in love with it, and so happy because it was real. I was sure that I would get recognition, if not the prize, for best costume.

Well, I didn't. In fact, no one knew what I was wearing, didn't know what a muui muui was even when I told them, and people thought I had not really understood the theme. I didn't win, either, haha.

I still didn't regret wearing it, and am still glad today that I did wear it.

This isn't really a parable, but part of something I realized when I was sitting, staring at my cousin unpacking her things from Australia.

Nobody in that school understood, but I think if I had had a Hawaiian themed party with my friends now, and worn the same outfit, they would have understood.
They wouldn't have thought I was a complete weirdo and outcast for wearing it.
They would have applauded my autenticity.

And I think that's part of the reason I'm friends with them.
Because I don't really have to explain myself.

Thanks, Friends.

Losing Marbles.

So work really sucks when you find out, after making nearly an hour's journey due to late buses and bad weather, that you weren't actually scheduled in the first place.

It's worse when you had planned your whole day around that false assumption you were working, and had cancelled plans because of it too.

Oh well. It lets one finish ridiculously long and boring and ludicrously expensive University applications.

FML.

I hope the rest of my weekend goes better than this.
(please?)


I don't like the darkness outside. It comes so early, and makes me way tired before my time. I feel old because of it. And the house is cold, and I don't know where the thermostat is, or if I'm allowed to touch it.

Many fathers are touchy about turning up the heating in the house, and though I live with an Uncle, he is still a father to my cousin, and I believe the rule still applies.

I think I actually called him Dad in a dream once.
They're getting weirder as time passes.

I made a lot of headway typing some stuff up yesterday. Almost makes me forget the mess that is my house.

I'll just get it tomorrow.
(famous last words)


I would still be typing now, but I really needed to finish that application, and I need to bake muffins. I hope they are insanely chocolately as the picture suggests. If they aren't, I'll sue for false advertising
(yeah, right.)

I don't understand why I keep putting things in brackets. Maybe I'm going schizophrenic. (I love that word).
Actually, I think I've just been insane in general for ages.

I looked up a video today of a song that makes me sad but feel okay at the same time. Okay because it's relatable and we know we're all going to crap right now. Here it is. Alice in Wonderland much? I like the video too, not just the song. The video makes sense somehow.

However...
Sometimes music videos confuse me.

but I have to say this one takes the cake.

and makes me giggle histerically at the same time. If you can bear it, it's at about 2:35 on that really made me laugh and wonder how they made it.
Wow.
I think any band under the genre "Mathcore" is just bound to make me laugh anyways.
Oh, thank you MTV, for showing me this lovely piece of work.

Now to get back to semi reality.

Oh My! It's fruitcake weather?

I thought of a little ditty today, based on another popular little ditty. I hope no one else has used it yet.
I actually thought of it for someone, and she knows who she is, considering I'm assuming she'll read this around 8 o'clock tomorrow morning.

"I like my men like I like my coffee;
Black,
Hot,
Sweet,
Steaming and Extra-Large."

Happy Christmas Becx. ^_^

Speaking of little ditties, I found this song as I was floundering around YouTube yesterday. I think the whole thing is awesome. I love how they use relatively unconventional phrasing and lyrics in the song, and the whole post-punk/soul/jazz/indie rock to it.
And, Goddam I love them silver booties.

In other unrelated happenings. I baked a sand cake today. Basically it has the consistency of sand, but tastes delicious. It's what you imagined sand would taste like as a kid, but never got to find out because your mother always stopped you before you got that handful in your mouth, and you know there was no way you were gonna get the stuff that had wormed it's way into your swimsuit when you got home.
Wish fulfillment over a decade later. Hmm.

(I do, however, know what gravel tastes like, as no one ever caught me putting that shit in me mouth. Not too delicious. Yet I still ate like ten pounds of the stuff total.)

The sand cake was a time filler until I went to go babysit. Well that was an adventure and a half. The bus was ten minutes late to the terminal.
But, oh what a bus it was. I fell in love with it right away.
instead of the normal flat platform that the buses have, this one was old, and so had steps instead.
too bad for all the people with strollers. Suckers. (lol)
Then, inside the bus, on the right hand side, there were twin seats, but only single seats on the left hand side. I took one of the singles.
I had my own personal window, like the ones on school buses.
too bad for any fat person who would need one as an emergency exit. heh heh.
Finally, getting out was so much fun. The doors were old too, obviously, and opened outward instead of in. there were technically two sets of them, but they would each only let one person out at a time, and opened separately.
I want to ride that bus again :(

I bought mittens!
-22Celsius windchill, do your worst!
(or not, please.)

Surrender Yourself to Me

I think I've found a flower in a field of weeds,
I think I've found a flower in a field of weeds,
Searching until my hands bleed,
This flower don't belong to me,
This flower don't belond to me,
Why can't she belong--to me?

How I love Billy Talent. I would marry Ben Kowalewicz right now. Too bad he's vegetarian though, I love steak so much.

Holy Jesus, it's very very cold. Unfortunately it's kinda icy and snowy too, which means all the buses are late to their stops, meaning you wait outside a few minutes longer each time.
You'd think being 8th generation in your family would have genetically adapted you to the cold, but, apparently not.
Wah.

Randomness!!!
I went to go meet up with people in the mall, and found another cousin of mine (lol, not one of the ones I've met randomly before either.), and turns out she's doing a co-op for nursing. I'm glad to see someone in my family head that direction because Heaven knows it sure as hell won't be me.
(lmao, I just used heaven and hell in the same sentence in what I consider a funny way, but which my brain is too frozen to figure out. Giggle with me.)
I also saw another girl I went to highschool with.
Sometimes she gives me the impression she finds me annoying. I don't know, maybe it's just me, or maybe she's just a sketchy person. It's not like I talk to her all the time or would do stuff to annoy her.

Moving on....

I have the deepest craving to write an essay about something. I have no idea what, but I just want to type.
Maybe it's just my ego talking, saying, Deanna, Show off your smart skills.
Pfft.

I could go for some bacon right about now. Or any food, in general.
Brownies ^_^

When I was a child, there was this "japanamation" film that we had, that my sisters abhorred and thought was for losers, but that I asolutely was in love with. They teased me about it a lot, but I didn't care.
(And they wonder why I love anime now....)
This movie, and this part specifically, was why I chose to take oboe in band class during high school.
I'm in love with this part.
(for the record, we had the english version, I have yet to find a Japanese one of this movie)

Bluejay and Second

So I wasn't going to post this. I wasn't sure if it wouldn't be taken as looking for a pity party, but, it was thought up on the bus, so I really don't know if you can be looking for pity at that point.

I'm usually more concerned with avoiding making eye contact with the creeper who's also in the back of the bus.

So I realized and firmly decided I have justification for this little piece of work, because it's not just about one person, and I have to get my thoughts out or I'll go crazy and depressed like before, and it's my blog and my life so fuck all who think I'm being silly and bitchy and overreactive.

If you think I am, it's simply because we haven't chatted enough about what is going on behind this.

I'm just also entirely uncomfortable with some things.

I realize, sometimes in life, little happenings are good for you.

Sometimes, it's just the circumstances behind these that aren't, and are also worrisome.

I wish I could explain myself more clearly, and I think that's part of the problem.

But these happenings make me uncomfortable.

And perhaps some people are just a little bit sick of it and over it.

So I'm sorry.

But I'm not,

and I won't be,

not for a while.

And I feel

So, so tired, and I wish,

I could just lay everything I have to say out on a table and explain, and weep, and have you all understand.

But I can't

And it hurts like fucking hell.

And the worst, is that the ones who actually need to know all this never will.

So we just try to get by,

crying inside,

and irritating out,

spilling our souls onto dirty sheets of paper

human words incompetent at revealing honest feeling

talking to ourselves and hoping others will notice

but knowing they can't share

our fears and tears,

so we just pray

that they will stay

by our sides,

and comfort us with their sad smiles,

hoping it will do the trick,

to save our sorry lives

from dying of desire

to be understood.

Alejandro

I'm waiting for muffins to be done in the oven. They're taking too long for my liking.

I had to endure seeing somethings, and reading some things today, that I think I really could have lived without.
Or at least could have preferred an abridged version instead.

It really made me angry. So angry, in fact, that this is really all I'm going to say for the whole blog, other than that it was a pretty good day at work, and I am finding more in my co-workers to enjoy everyday, although some I find like there's a jackass just lying beneath the surface.

I also realize that I'm very grateful for my breakroom, and have the strongest desire to go to a bar.

When I have money. Gah.

Divorce Court.

I remembered this trick, if you get white deoderant marks when putting on a black top, grab a piece of pantyhose and rub the mark to remove it completely.

Perhaps I've changed my mind again. I've said before I wish I could turn this blog into something useful.
Maybe it should just be where you get your fix of random for the day, because I can guarentee you that nearly 100% of what is discussed here was unexpected.

Take, for instance, my Monday and Tuesday this week. I went down to Elmira to talk to a high school counsellor about transcripts and stuff for applying to university. On my way back, I went into Chapters to get some cook books (I should stop buying those...) because they were mega cheap.
And what did I find?

A new Michael Crichton book!
If you didn't know, he died in November of last year due to throat cancer, so I wasn't exactly expecting anymore books, and I cried a little bit about it at the time. He's my favourite author pretty much.
However, they'd found a manuscript in his files, and thus, a new book was published.
And it was 40% off!!!!!!!!!
God was telling me to buy it ;)

So, as I'm on the bus, I look out the window as we slowly drive down the street, and see a girl I knew in high school walking beside the bus.
I sent her a quick text to creep her out, and she told me to get my ass off the bus to come say hello.
My social calendar was empty for the night, so what the hell?
I get off, and my night changes from one of depressing attempts to type my novel into one full of job-hunting, deep conversations, realizations, and fun comeraderie.
I got to pamper someone again, and have a fun night.
We met this interesting man with the craziest beard, a tweed jacket and old-school (like, I mean look like in Dicken's time) hat. He kept popping up and creeped us out a little bit.

I found it entirely providential that, while hiding from the rain in a grocery store and getting pineapple juice, my older brother walks into the same store and offers us a ride, saving us nearly an hours time.
(unfortunately, this distracted me from remembering to grab my ten dollar's cash back, which I realized the next morning.)

The next day I took the bus back into waterloo with my friend, us keeping each other company before parting ways. I was going to stop in at a William's for a drink, when the girl across from me on the bus struck up a conversation with me. She was really fun and my age, and directed me to the Timmies' on campus instead, which I was grateful for because it was cheaper.
I wish I could have grabbed that girl's name, it would be fun to hang out with her sometime.

I was served by the most adorable middle-aged Asian woman of my life in the Tim Horton's, and have determined that the words "lovely" and "sweetie" sound best when said by a heartfelt woman with a Chinese accent and motherly smile and uncrushable customer service spirit.

On the bad side, sometimes random leaves you with babysitting five hours instead of two.
and you find videos that made you sad.

Little Rant.

It's not fair. There are some really good people out there, and they are so innocent. The worst shit happens to them, and they are the least to deserve it.

You try to laugh about it, but it's not funny and you don't know how to avoid the situation. You want to cry with them, but that's not what they need. What they need is justice.

It's so frustrating that the world is so imbalanced. That the undeserving of the world get what the deserving are supposed to have. They get it without asking. They get it and they can't even handle it.

This isn't about money. This is about life.

Am I beating an old drum? I don't care, it's new to me. Or, at least, it's newly annoying because I have access to everyone in this unbalanced karmatic equation at my fingertips. I can't play God, and I don't like it.

All I can do is watch over and do my best to help. I can give advice, I can give examples, I can sympathize, I can empathize, I can get angry.

But I can't make it right, and it hurts so bad.

People in the world are so jaded, I can't stand it. I don't understand why they have to be so pessimistic all the time. The world doesn't always suck.

Maybe if you just had realistic expectations, and worked your way around the roadblocks, instead of waiting for everything to be handed to you on a silver platter, then you'd realize the world isn't out to get you.

Life's not perfect, and the sooner you realize that, the better.

Until then, Stop whining.

(You'd think people living in a city would have realized this by now.)

please stay tuned to our normal broadcast. This is just a filler ^_^

V-I-R-G-I-N

I keep seeing people say thank god it's the end of Movember.

(If you don't know, Movember is a mixture of November and Mustache, because hockey players use the month of November as the part of the season they grow mustaches.  I think it's dumb.)

I don't really care, all it means for me is that I have to spend money on monthly payments now.  Damn. 

Most awkward interview ever?  I'm sorry, but I personally think both of these women are idiots, although Paris has a bit more potential because I've seen her act smart.  She's not Jessica Simpson.

I've actually watched an interview where Lady Gaga said the only thing she would look for in a guy is a big dick.

Ummm.  I find that kinda gross. Sorry :)  Actually, I think I just find her gross in general.  I give her kudos for creativity and all that, but she's just a little bit strange up there.  Maybe it was the bow of hair on her head--pulled a few too many cells to their limits. 

Her music videos are creepy, her songs are all about the same thing, she doesn't need the money, and she sounds like what I imagine a large lizard would sound like if it could sing.  At least she can play instruments and whatever, but her dancing and the outfits look like rejects from an old Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers fight sequence, and she and her posse of metrosexual/overly sexually charged males are the bad guys. 

Weekends are always best random.

My random led me to winning a bluetooth, having a new camera, and finding ten dollars, as well as receiving free food a few times.  Yum.   Random also leads to unexpected circumstances, and in my case, this includes rides from people you would least imagine, things you didn't know you would do, and becoming, once again, the fulcrum of social situations. 

I have started to consider putting condensed versions of these situations on here for reference and examples to others. 

I just don't get why others can't find it as simple. 

 

Topher Grace

Did you know you can stretch a pair of shoes to fit your feet up to a size larger by using ice? It's true. Oh, the wonders of YouTube.

Yesterday I was talking about women's bodies today, and how it is frustrating if you're not the norm.
Sometimes, it's interesting to look at your own reaction when you see someone in a position of popularity, and they don't look at all like what is typical for their role. For instance, this music video garners a lot of negative and positive comments. The positive are 98% for the music quality (it's nearly the same live, too!) while the negative are all about the lead singer's deviance from what most female frontrunners look like.
I like the video and the song.
I wonder if Mama Cass went through any of the same sorts of things.

Some things irk me. One of them are people on facebook who are looking for "a relationship".

These people are either: Ugly, prepubescent girls, hopeless romantics, teenage boys who just want pussy, creepy, or lack self esteem. Or all of these (well, minus being two different sexes).
Even my best friend isn't looking for "a relationship", and she's as HR as they come. (her older brother, on the other hand, is, but that is expected as he is very sweet but seems kinda sketch.)

I wish these people would stop.
You aren't going to find a relationship if you can't get yourself away from your facebook page, and don't stop trying but failing to flirt over fb chat (which fails connectivity wise half the time anyways, so it's almost like a double fail).
And trust me, people who try to get you to date them over facebook are very annoying, very creepy, and very desperate.
I've had this one guy on my tail for over a year, and I just can't shake him off. I suppose I should just delete him, but aside from the trying to date me thing, he's just fine.
sigh

I have thought that perhaps my writing is either too unconventional, too harlequinesque, too teenage, too adverb filled, or perhaps all of these together.
I still enjoy doing it though.
But, I dug something out of the ashes from the underbelly of DeaDea's My Documents.
You decide.

Hpnotc

I'm gonna run a little commentary today, about women. This is all a result of the bus. Oh, how I love the bus. I have no idea if anything is medically or scientifically accurate, but I'm not a doctor or scientist, and don't give a fuck on that front, and also, in what I've seen, you don't have to have a certificate to have everyone believe whatever you say, just Charisma
(God, I love that word)

There was a woman, and she was clearly very pregnant. And she was also smoking.
I don't mind smokers, I'll even do it myself occasionally.
But you don't make your unborn baby smoke your smoke. You chose to smoke, not the baby.
Jerk.

Secondly, as I was sitting, nearly in tears over this mother, I saw this other girl standing outside the bus stop.
She seemed to me to be the epitome what our nation's women are today.

Small breasted from hormone filled food in giant portions of genetically modified protein and vitamins, screwed up estrogen and testosterone levels, as well as from evolution--lines of women having 1.2 children stopping the need for their endowments to be anything less than impressive.

At the same time, these women are filling their childless bellies with something else...so much alcohol that it leaves them with large beer bellies, or vodka, rum and wine bellies, complete with a large donut hole of a belly button overhanging store-torn jeans that don't fit their asses properly because they only go half way because, although their legs are thin enough, the bands won't go around the stretch-marked waist.

The woman's (the typical woman, not the like, 20% percent that fill magazines and the petite section at the mall) silhouette isn't much of a silhouette anymore. Their shadows look like a Picasso reject.

What does this all come down to?

Well, fortunately for me, my body IS proportionate. No, it's not the 130 lbs that is supposedly supposed to be normal for my height (BMIs, kiss my curvaceous ass), but everything's the right size for my size.
Thanks to a mother who hates hot dogs, non farm-fresh meat and produce, and many other old-school health delights, I have been blessed with the keeping of good genetics and allowed to grow my bosom to it's full extent which leaves others looking in jealousy or lust.
(haha, I really just went on a rant there, and it sounded good, so I'll keep it. I'm not really that full of myself.)
Thanks to my family, I've kept in relatively good shape and not fallen totally for the fast food, alcoholic, and muscle-inhibiting/belly-building birthcontrol ways of the rest of us.

Unfortunately, this makes shopping for clothes difficult.

Not long ago, going up a size literally meant they just moved the bust and hips up a size.

now, bust and hips stay the same. it's the belly that grows
(or stays the same but is made of lycra and spandex because some dumbass decided to bring leggings back into fashion and now everyone wants to look like a 1980`s TV workout instructor with matching "stomach flattening"--or not--tight and stretchy material.

This is difficult when you want to buy a dress or a nice shirt.
It's maddening when you have to put a piece of clothing back withing ten seconds of trying it on because right away it doesn't fit over that lovely, envy-producing bust of yours.
Annoying when you know it WOULD fit, if it didn't just have that huge pucker in the waist where your huge paunch is supposed to be, really making that dress into a bubble dress.
And it pisses one right off when the shirt isn't long enough because half the material is taken up by those lovely things on your chest.

It's annoying when you come out of the changeroom, and look like you've just had a work out because you've been wresting with an overpriced piece of polyester-cotten blend to get it back over those hills that they got stuck on and you realized, Shit, this isn't going to fit you.
(lol, maybe not so intense, but, it is frustrating. and angering, not depressing)

So what does one do? They go to the Plus section. But it doesn't matter, because there, everything is ugly and disgusting, because for some reason it seems like they want to make fat people depressed. And you really aren't that big anyways, you just wanted something for your boobs, but you now fail because you aren't three hundred pounds.

sigh

Well. that was my night.

What were my resolutions? Well, I'm tired, so I'll just give you this and be done with it. I think it's awesome. It's creepy and beautiful at the same time, and is one of the few videos I've seen that accurately describes how I feel when I listen to it (well, maybe not the last 20 seconds)

they're not too bad live either. (And this is as live as it gets) ;)

Alsace-Lorraine.

My issues from yesterday may not have been fully resolved, but they're getting better :)

I've found that I like cleaning a bit, but I have to have a list.

I like making lists almost as much as I like crossing things off of them.

I have a busy weekend coming, with things triple scheduled both days. Ack.

I have also considered making this blog come to good use.

I wish I had the capacity to turn it into an advice blog, or something about baking expertise, or child care, or political opinion or religious or something.

As it is, I have decided to make these resolves:

From now on, this blog shall have:

-one random fact each day.

-one awesome video link

-some tip/advice about something (prolly regarding baking or relationships, haha)

-a link to something I think you'd like to read ;)

As well as my normal Blathering and Cyptic Titles.

Chicken pot pie on a Sunday Night

I'm pissed off.

Not in really proactive way, more a depressing way (as is my nature).

I feel neglected, alone, forgotten, used and and completely misunderstood.

I don't meant this teen angst wise...

it's something I've felt before, a few years ago.

that got fixed, eventually, but it took a couple of those few years to do so.

It's weird though, because my life isn't that bad, I have a job and a living spot and family, you know.

But we always forget the things we take for granted when it actually matters.

Maybe it's just major PMS, but I doubt it, it doesn't seem to add up.

We'll see.

So Yesterday, so yesterday, I'm like a bird, I've already flown away

Yesterday was genuinely random.

I had a grumpy morning on msn, and also with one of the children (not at them, just with something she said). I had come back to visit the family for prayer group, and brought my standard snacks along, etc etc.

Now, before I'd ever nannied them, I'd gone to prayer group, and it was always established that I could sleep over every week after, since we started at nine, and ended at 11 or later.

One would assume that after I was done nannying, none of this would change.

So, when I woke up at 7:30, I went back to sleep, I had agreed to clean up the tea cups, at their mother's request, but I decided I could do it in half an hour or so, since I had not been able to fall asleep until 2:30, and I knew the cups would still be waiting for me.

When I went out later, the cups were cleared and there was nothing for me to do.

So I went back in the room with full intentions to continue typing my little novella, but wound up getting stuck in a sticky msn situation.

(but that's not what this blog is about)

While I was sitting there, doing this and that on the laptop, one of the girls came in.

She mentioned, essentially, that her mother said something basically to the extent of, "Deanna should not sit in there all day doing nothing, when she's here, she should do something to help out."

Umm, excuse me?

Okay, you start paying me again, and then I'll become your slave again.

Essentially, I'm not going next week. Not when I'm apparently only valued as a guest there if I bring treats and pick up small store items for them and clean their house and watch over her children while I'm there.

She picked the wrong day to say a selfish bitchy comment.

When I was on the bus travelling home, I wasn't feeling so good, so I stopped at the market and talked to my one friend who works there. He instantly made me feel better again! Yay! This was random item #1

#2 comes from being on the bus to go home, and then staying on it all the way to it's final destination to meet my cousin for an hour before I had to go babysit. hahah, I vented, he was happy to listen.

While I was babysitting, I checked my facebook, and found a whole conversation between him and another cousin of mine, who were talking about going to the mall. Since I was going to be done babysitting by then, I texted them to say I was coming too, since they thought I wasn't going to be able to make it.

I get on the bus, and, my cousin is on the same one (well, it figures, but I thought he would have taken either a different or an earlier one.) I also saw someone I went to high school with, but she was way at the front of the bus so I didn't say anything...

Get to the mall, and while walking with my two cousins and my cousin's friend, I see, again, my friend from the market, meandering with a few of his own! I waved, he waved back.

We went into a store, and I felt like my skin was being peeled off with acid, so I went outside of it in search of food with Dylan. I went to buy us burgers, and who do i see in like at the restaurant beside us? My friend, once again, but I didn't want to seem like I was stalking, so I didn't make myself noticeable.

When I got back to the table, all the sudden, my younger cousin, Dylan's little sister, showed up with a friend! they were going to a movie

(if you haven't guessed by now, my family is quite extensive)

When my other cousin and her friend went up to get food after us, we went too, and passed Nick, whom I then talked to for a couple minutes because he acknowledged me first.

Yay!

The night's randomness was completed by an impromptu sleepover, and a tranny on the bus that sat down across from me, and I had to avoid looking at because I would have laughed.

Birthday's are upon us all.

I had a good day today. It was full of goodness
(hence, it was a good day; isn't logic so logical?)
I made brownies right off--a brand new recipe that turned out well and the dishes didn't take too long.

And then I made plans to meet people, or at least meet people in the new future.

I realized, also, that though I would love to have children, I don't think having a baby is the best thing for me right now.
I couldn't support it.
(There's your random thought of the day.)

I went into a Subway tonight to buy something to eat, and there was a gigantic line. But, unfortunately for me, I didn't have too many options, and I feel less full of grease after Subway than something like KFC (which was pretty much my only other option).

Anyways, when I was there, waiting in the long, long line a guy I went to highschool with came in through the back entrance, and as he passed me, went "What's up" in a really hurried way.

I felt like giving him a kiss, because I felt like a hug wouldn't be enough.
I wanted to take that boy in, and mother him and feed him.
He was wearing a leather jacket, that had once looked new and shiny, but was now getting worn out (not in a bad way, jackets do that, but, as if he wore it all the time). As he passed me, he smelled of cigarettes; not stale, but new.
And what did he buy at the counter?
Smokes, of course.

His face was thin; he used to be robust and if he had been skinny before his addiction started, he would have looked emaciated.
He was always tall, but now he seemed taller due to his unhealthy weight loss.
There were circles under his eyes, he looked tired.

The boy would be good looking, but he had a sickly aura that would make you want to pity him.
He would be adorable, but he lost that innocence when he took that first hit.
He would be fun to hang around with, if you weren't afraid he'd changed so much.

He would be great to get to know again,

if you weren't worried you didn't want to know.

Octogénaire

So, I had my first shift yesterday afternoon.

My mind is blown at how the world works out sometimes.

Lately, I'd been wondering, you know, if God really cares, if I'd been left in a ditch, if my last job turning out the way it did was some kind of punishment.

Well, I don't know about the latter of that sentence, but I'm sure God cares.

(I'll explain in a bit)

So, work went well. I got taken care of right away with a new shirt (too big, they'll have to order one my size) and whether I would prefer King's Buffet or East Sides for the Christmas dinner.

All of my fellow employees are really friendly, from whom I've met so far. All the guys are adorable in their own way.

One of them, for some inexplicable reason, reminds me of Benicio Del Toro, which means he will have a special place in my heart, lol.

Another one went to a high school, surrounded by fields, and not too far from the one I went to. He also has an eyebrow piercing that actually works, and is really friendly and adorable. He's in aisles. I think we might get along.

The break room is fantastic. Tables, large comfy chairs that were returned for having some scrape or another, a computer that can connect to facebook, sketchy lockers, a fridge, microwave, sink and plastic cutlery and tupperware in the cupboards, and a giant flatscreen TV complete with a mini bookshelf full of DVD's and box sets of such classics as Family Guy and the Simpsons.

Of course I made a few mistakes. Last time I worked at a Staples, I worked there for nearly a year, but then I took a huge break in between, so I need to remember things.

As a whole though, I don't think I did too badly.

There was a big mixup with someone's in-store credit deferral. The associate who was helping the lady with her purchase literally went "NOOOOOOO!" when I pressed the enter button to print out her reciept; I thought it was all done.

Apparently it wasn't, and it took fifteen minutes of embarrassment on my part, confusion on the customer's part, and much typing and printing and phone calling on the manager's part.

I apologized profusely, and she said it was okay. It was a simple mistake, and no money was lost. I just have to be more careful

Then again, it was my first shift, sooooo....

I have that immunity ;)

Here's the bit where not being abandoned by the Big Guy above comes in.

I left the building at the end of the night, and walked to the bus stop. Turned out the bus wasn't going to come for about half an hour, and it would have been almost ten o'clock when that happened, which would mean I would have to take an eleven o'clock transfer home or bust. Or call a taxi, but I don't like taxi's late at night.

I walked to the Tim Horton's, bought an extra large coffee to last me the wait, and walked to a different stop. When I got there, I found out another bus I hadn't known of was coming to the stop in two minutes!

I thanked my stars, and when I stepped on that bus grabbed a schedule. It said it was due to arrive at the terminal two minutes before my transfer bus.

I hoped it would arrive there in time. I nearly peed myself in anxiety (although, it could have also been the coffee I suppose), constantly looking at the time. When we neared the terminal, I stood up, ready to pounce out of the bus and run for dear life to catch my bus.

We drive into the terminal...

I'm ready to go....

And the bus...

Drives right into the spot where my transfer bus was supposed to be!

My bus, the 11, turned into the 15 when it got to the terminal!

DEANNA WINS!

I felt a giant wave of relief flood over me. I would be home in ten minutes.

Life is also good because my uncle is awesome. He told me to leave food on the counter if I have an afternoon shift, and he would cook it for me in time when I got home. heart!

He also told me he could pick up anything at the grocery store.

And when I mentioned, well, what does he want for rent, I found out I am getting it at a giant deal. Basically a third of normal rent prices, and I know he wouldn't let me barter to give him more.

Family rules :)

Staples.

I have my first shift at work tomorrow, I'm sort of excited.

At the same time, I'm almost not looking forward to it. When I've started a job, I become a work-a-holic (family trait, haha), but when I don't have one, I get incredibly lazy and the last thing I want to do is anything but social events and sleep.

Well, I've got the social events down over this weekend, and I've gotten plenty of sleep, so now I've just got to suck it up.

I feel, this week, for my friends who have parental issues.
My parents are pretty okay, and I've always been the "rebel" in my family so I know how to handle them, and I've taken my metaphorical beatings to learn my lessons, and I'm fairly independent by now and therefore have less issues with them.
I don't owe anything to them other than to be present at family events and to give them the genuine love I will feel for them.
I make my own money, and find my own way from life, and use them sometimes as guidance or reference, but I pretty much do it all myself.

I think back to when I wanted my parents to go to the parent teacher interviews at school (they did once, lol), or whenever I would go to a friends house, or live with other people
there was one thing that I seemed to want, and still seem to want

I want my parents to be told,
"that girl of yours, she's a good one
she's independent and works hard, a good kid,
she does just fine on her own, doesn't she?"

Maybe I feel like I have something to prove, maybe I feel like I didn't get enough attention before, and now I want that attention to be directed to my parents in the form of, Look what you missed in your stupidity.
(in all honesty, I felt they were rather stupid sometimes regarding me in past years, something that I dealt with by either being totally honest with them, or just not telling them anything at all purposely, which always gives fascinating results.)

I just hope that my friends figure out the best way to handle their parents as well.
I am at peace because I've found a balance.
I wish that they find their's, and life becomes less miserable on that point.

I hope they are honest with themselves, and get it all sorted out
:-]

La Valse d'Amelie.

Wow, today was kinda exhausting.

I did some babysitting this afternoon. The kids are adorable, and so much simpler than what I'm used to. They remind me of kids who I used to babysit in grade eight (the elder one is now in grade nine! I feel soooo old).
I got to be a princess! and a Queen. It was the elder girl's idea. Apparently all royalty does is sit there while they are piled with blankets and pillows and given play food and told to have naps (I quite enjoyed being told to have a nap).

The exhausting comes in to play when I walk to the bus stop at 8:15 pm, and find out the next bus won't be coming until 8:47...
So what does an impatient girl who loves to walk do?
She walks all the way to the bus terminal in the freezing cold and dark.
I may be an idiot, but I am a well exercised one ;)

even if I had taken the bus though, I still would have been late for my transfer. So I frantically found out what else I could take so that I wouldn't have to wait until 10:00 pm...and it was only 9 o'clock.
So I found a bus that would get me as close to my final destination as I could, and when I got to the stop, I went into the nearby grocery store and bought myself muffins, hot dogs, and chocolate milk.

Damn,
I hadn't had chocolate milk in a while. My CMW-ishness came back to me reallllly quickly.
I then walked another 25 minutes to get home.

But I made it!
And my Uncle told me there was supper left for me in the fridge.
I don't know if you know how this feels, but I feel pretty incredible to find deliciously seasoned chicken, potatoes, gravy and corn waiting to be simply reheated and then devoured at 10 pm.
I felt so taken care of, and I never have to ask to be fed, it's just simply done.
I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone. It's great.

I simply completed the meal with some strong coffee, and by the time I was finished, was so full I almost understood why bulemics do what they do.
My family knows how to fill a stomach, hahaha.

And it's so quiet here, and relaxing. I can repose in the glow of my laptop, Hikaru, rest my legs on the table in front of me where I sit on this comfy couch, and breathe in the smell of calm house, cigarello, and coffee. The filter in the fish tank makes a comforting, consistent noise to break the silence and leaves it non-deafening.
I checked all my facebook updates, and they left me happy. I look forward to a weekend filled with things that will not want to make me bash my head on a metal countertop.

I am content.
All I need now is a cat.
Hmmm.

Colours of the Wind.

I don't normally write two blogs in one day...but it's been almost twelve hours since the last one, and my mind is overflowing today because I haven't written them in so long.

Interesting night. I had decaf coffee because everyone else wants to sleep tonight. It tasted the same to me, but it didn't matter whether or not it was decaf, as the caffeine doesn't affect me anyways.
I wonder if that will be a problem in university...
and engergy drinks just fill my bladder with unnecessary swiftness.

I keep finding out about social events that apparently I am supposed to be part of, but I am being informed about them way too close to their dates of occurance than I am comfortable with.
Normally I don't mind, it's just these ones are conflicting because of the short notice, so it's kind of frustrating.

I'm starting to get tired...I woke up early this morning and have been going since then.
does decaf have the opposite effect as caf, and make you tired instead of energized?

something I've realized, I really like colour. if you've been following my blod, you realize I've changed the colours a bit every so often.
I love colour!
simple. lol. but it had to be said.

hmm.
writing.
I'm going to get back to my new idea, and keep typing it.

Upon the Crosses.

It's Remembrance Day in Canada. I always have had a sort of special affection for this day. I think I knew it was really important for the first time when I was little and still home-schooled. It was November 11th and we all stood for a moment of silence at 11:00 am, and my mom started crying. When my mom cries, I know it's something important, as heartless as I can be towards her at times.

I think I figured out how grateful I was to everyone who had helped out in those wars the year that I nearly started bawling myself during Oh Canada in a Remembrance Day Assembly in high school.

Since then, I've found out family history reasons that I can especially be proud and thankful on this day, but I don't feel like crying anymore, I just feel pride.

In a country where we are known for our niceness and peace keeping and humbleness, I think it's good to have times of Pride. And I don't mean that in the Toronto Parade in June kinda way ;) lol.

onto other things.

My internet was being so screwed up, but it looks like it's fiiiiinally fixed up.

I am pleased, hence, writing a blog!

And I'm baking again.

I feel safe baking because I know that I will have the funds coming in to pay for ingredients; I have a job! Yay!!!

I feel victorious.

I also realized something while riding on the bus yesterday.

Recently, my life has been full of darkness, metaphorically. My blogs and journal entries were depressing, dark, and distressing. My poetry and prose were angry and sad.

Darkest before the light?

(I smell beer somewhere, I think I'm going crazy)

Perhaps. Because things are looking a lot more up. I got a job within two days of walking in to the place, I can keep baking, I have stores nearby and easy access to things, I am warm, I have a place to live for not very much a month, I am going to have days filled to the brim, I have writing ideas, I have family I can see, and friends I can talk to. I have free laundry.

I get tons of sleep in a room that stays clean because there's no one to mess it up and I'm not so exhausted I can't clean it.

I have a blog to vent my anger.

I have a family I used to nanny, who still love me and have kids who won't let me go everytime I see them now.

You have to go through bad times or there would be nothing to differentiate them from the good.

sounds philosophical? sappy?

I don't really care, I'm just glad I don't feel like the world is crashing down on my head anymore.

(let's make this really conclusion, informal essay like)

Lest We Forget...

On this Remembrance Day, I remember that there were men and women who went through a lot worse than I did every day for half a decade, twice.

They helped make it so that I can experience these good times, and it's up to me, like them, to fight the bad ones.

so much to saaaaay-ay-ay-ay, mmm, but so little tiii-mmmuh

(Lol, the title of this post is to be sung to the tune of the "Watcha Say" song on the radio that is a rip-off of the awesome Imogen Heap song, "Hide and Seek".)

So. There really is a lot to say, it's almost daunting to me how much I feel I will have to cram into this blog.

First thing's first. I finally am connected to the Internet! Yes, I am at my Uncle's house, all my stuff in and whatnot, and I have finally acquired the wireless' password, so I am content.

It was interesting moving all my things. I realized that I have a ton of stuff when all boxed up, but as I was putting it away, I realized that it wasn't really unreasonable stuff. I mean, as I rifled through it, emptying the boxes, I kept an eagle eye out for things that I could get rid of/sell. Aside from some books, there really wasn't anything. I guess as you get older, you just accumulate things, and since I've kind of been on my own (not living in under my parent's roof that is) for just over two years, I've been gathering things to fill a house. Things that I need to survive on my own, without people purchasing for me or that I would have to share.

I had serious emotional cold feet on Tuesday night, however, when my friends left after helping me cart boxes into the house. I felt really alone. I wanted a mommy (my Aunt died almost six years ago, so there isn't a mother figure in this house anymore), or a sister, or something. I realized that I really mostly wanted some additional femininity in the house, but I would have taken another guy too. Not that I mind my Uncle, it's just that I wanted a third person to bounce off of.

But, as I went to sleep that night, I tossed and turned. I had the oddest feelings inside of me. I actually wanted a doll, or a teddy bear, or a sleeping companion; either something that I could hold to reassure myself, something to take care of and take the focus off of me, or someone that would hold onto me, and I could just lose myself and my worries in them, and sleep peacefully.

Neither of these were to be found.

I'm better now, and I will get more, day by day, as I work myself into a routine.

I think what the problem is is, I don't know the routine. I don't know who makes dinner, who cleans dishes, who vacuums, who does the garbage and recycling...

I'll get used to it though, things are already starting to fall into a pattern.

As I went out today to buy a USB cable for my printer from Staples, I realized that I will soon be able to get a hang of the bus systems, they're really not so difficult! For that I am glad.

I also had some fortuitous meetings at Staples, and let's see if I can't get myself some employment there ;)

I don't really know what else to say, but that I miss my friends, and I want to see them again soon! This should hopefully be made easier by my new internet access.

Also! I bought some new pillows today, and cases for them.

Pillowcases are expensive!!!!!

Why?

2 pillowcases that look like any other pillowcase and are just regular sized were more than the two pillows I was covering with them!

And I needed to buy two sets of pillow cases!

They better last a loooooong time. Or somebody's gonna get yelled at.

a deep craving for applesauce.

so, this may not come as a surprise, but, once again, I cannot believe the gall of the children's mother (yes, I am still not moved out yet...more on that later).

Last night, I walked into the kitchen because I could finally move around without fear of fainting or having major muscle spasms in my legs. I was going to make some soup, but I found ice cream and I was rather hot, so I chose the ice cream.

One of the children was frantically whining to her mother, asking when she would get the h1n1 vaccine in the house to give to them (as their mother is a doctor, she is allowed to give the kids the shot herself). The mother said that she tried, but the nurse said that they were only giving them out first to pregnant/breastfeeding women and the elderly. She sounded pissed about it, like her daughter had more right to the vaccine than a pregnant woman. Her child nearly started screaming."I'll try again, maybe I'll get a more sympathetic nurse"

cue sound of a record stopping abruptly *rrrrrrrrrrrRRR!*

more sympathetic nurse?

The fuck woman!

now, as you know, I am not an advocate for and I do not really condone the flu shot of any sorts.however,I do feel angry about this.

The fact that this woman would say something like this, in the tone of voice she used, like the nurse was crazy to refuse her the vaccine and that her family deserved it more and just...garh!!!!

I mean, I am sorry, but I am quite sure that your 12 year old daughter, who plays sports year round, eats a ton, gets plenty of sleep and water and is allowed to lounge in her pj's all day will be able to tough it out a lot more than a pregnant woman, who not only is trying to keep herself from being sick, but also an unborn human baby who hasn't had the chance yet to build up an immune system because he/she hasn't even taken a breath of outside air yet.

I just couldn't stand the arrogance.

I wonder, perhaps, if the nurse had told her they were only giving the vaccines out to Sheltie dogs at the moment, whether their mother would have been so upset.

Sorry, Sweetie, but the Shelties need their vaccines too. We'll get yours as soon as they're done.

as a side note. I plan on moving today!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!! let's hope nothing goes wrong. as it is, I have to lay down every 20 minutes or so so that I don't get exhausted.at least I'm not really sick any more!!!

and, at least I've already had this stupid virus, so no one can come after me with a vaccine....

scandalous! pt II

This blog had to be a two parter because my brain started to die near the end of the one last night.
I was going to talk about the weekend.
It was fun, I went to my sister's hallowe'en party on Friday. I invited some friends along, and they told me that they had an amazing time and thanked me for inviting them.
This was really a relief. I am a little bit of a control freak sometimes, and I always feel it is my duty to make sure, that if I invite people somewhere, that they have a good time. If I think they had a bad time, I failed.

What I realized, upon reflection, was that not once during the night did I ask them if they were having a good time, or asking them if they needed something, or made sure that they were getting along with everyone else. They were doing just fine on their own, and it was such a relief.

On Saturday night, I went to a different movie/hallowe'en party, and it was good also, except for the fact that I really started coming down with my illness (I call it illness because I'm really not sure what the hell I'm sick with; I imagine it is a flu of some sort), and I think I got my one friend sick.
(Although, if you knew him, you would find it rather funny how he got sick and almost poetic justice.)

When driving home that night, two of my friends started having a....discussion in the van.
I know that friendships aren't always daisies and rainbows, but I think both of them were being a bit silly.
If either of them read this, they can know that that is my opinion, and that they should work it out pronto before it gets worse because I don't want to have to deal with it, I am too sick and I think you are both being a little insensitive.

I am supposed to be moved in to my Uncle's tonight, but I don't know if that is going to happen.

newsflash it is currently about 12.30, just after lunchtime. Two of the kids just came in to see how I'm doing. This would be the first time someone has come in here to see if I'm alive since...well about nine o'clock last night.
Yay, I feel special.
The one mentioned something about his mom, but I didn't quite catch it, and he didn't repeat it. I don't know what he was talking about, but it gave me a bad feeling. I'll have to dig it out of him later. If she has some kind of whacked up thoughts against me for getting sick, I don't quite think I will know what to do.

scandalous! pt I

My head hurts. I am coughing less than I was this morning and my throat isn't sore.
My legs hurt. Everytime I get goosebumps on them, each one feels like an individual needle pricking into my skin.

So, obviously as you can tell, I am sick. It started coming on about three days ago or so, and all hell broke loose in my body today.
Just some of the loverly things that I was able to experience today were:
sweating enough to drench my whole body and bed and make my pyjamas feel like I had jumped in a pool;
nearly blacking out when I attempted to have a bath;
not being able to move my limbs without extreme pain;
being really hungry because no one came to my room til about 3 pm, and I didn't get food til about 7...

I don't mean to be a pity party. It just sucks.
I was saved though, when my lovely darling of a friend came over with ginger ale, soup, and peppermint tea once she was informed of the situation.

I am glad I'm feeling a bit better though, because I was going insane trying to fall asleep. There was tons of noise outside my door and window, random things kept going through my brain, I was worrying about everything...

I think I know that I am feeling better though, most because I want to eat all of my halloween candy right now, haha.
this is all rather unfortunate though, because I had planned on doing a lot of packing today.

I don't like the taste of their morality

I understand that perhaps, I made a couple people concerned yesterday with my post.
But, I can't say that I wish I could take back the post, I feel fathoms better for getting it off of my chest.

As I type this, I can hear the children's mother talking to people outside of my room, I know it must be about my near departure from this house. I wonder what excuse they are using, but there are too many other voices for me to be able to decipher what exactly it is she is saying. I can simply hear my name being used repeatedly.

She tried to convince someone today that immunizations (that is, things like the flu shot) should be taken by everyone, and that it angers her when people refuse, and basically she thinks all of these people are idiots.
I'd like her to talk to my mother on the subject. I always like to see my mother kick some one else's ass. Especially when I can't stand the other person.
I've never had a flu shot in my life, and here I am, living in a house where during the past week, half of them have caught H1N1, and they always get the flu shot and all that shit. Their mother does it herself.

And who, the one who deals with the kids the most, appears to have NOT caught this illness?

Moi.

Hahaha.

I am excited for my weekend. My costume is coming together. I just have to organize rides.

Oh, and my room.
Gah. I would love to do it, but I have no time.
And no boxes.
I should at least get it ready to be packed.

Hmm. maybe tonight.

I thought I'd make everyone feel better with a little bit of a nicer poem than last night.
I don't know why this one came to me, but it did, and I like it. I hope you enjoy.

And in the Crush of the Dark, I'll be your Light in the Mist.

The title of this particular post is from a song called "Tigerlily" by the artists La Roux. That Light is a person I wish I could have in my life, but I don't know who they are.

I have been up and down emotionally today, even though the day wasn't too bad.

It was one of those days when asked, I will say it was just "okay", not because it was demanding with kids or things didn't get done, but because my emotions have been toying with me in a way that I cannot blame on hormones.

I've been up and down more times today than a new yo-yo in the hands of an excited eight-year-old boy.

I was also angered by the fact that I have no one to cry to, and reminds me that I never really did.

I have honestly, I believe, never had someone that I just came to and talked and cried.

I think sometimes also, that this reason is simply because I don't trust people that way. And this is due to the fact that I don't think that they can understand.

They don't get the fact that my life sucks, and when they try to understand, the way they talk is completely different from what I'm feeling, and it just makes me feel worse. They don't understand how dark I feel inside, how isolated, they don't know how hollow their words seem sometimes, even though I know they mean it, and it's simply because my mind won't allow myself to believe them.

I understand their encouragement.

I understand everything happens for a reason. But in my life, the only fucking reasons I can see, are reasons that lead me to a worse shit situation than before. I've looked. I've read diary entries. My life sucks.

I don't even feel bad about just putting it out in the open like this. I don't care what it sounds like, I simply couldn't compress it anymore. I don't feel like I'm self pitying myself, that's how bad it's gotten. I'm upset, and depressed, and sad, and fucking angry.

I'm angry at my family, at God, at the people who make my life horrible, and I'm angry at myself for making mistakes that there was no possible way to avoid, as if I could have known different at the time.

I can try poetry, but it barely helps. It just makes me want to fall asleep. and I don't know if anyone could understand.

**I apologize for the ridiculously awful picture of myself. It was taken awhile ago when I was feeling something similar to as I am now. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't think my blog had enough space for that anymore, so this was just something I needed to do to get my emotions out.

Aino

I had a somewhat interesting weekend. I had a couple of laughs at a family dinner that I went to yesterday.

My Grandma, a woman in her 70's, started applying lipstick after dinner, and my older sister, always being the way she is, says "Oh, Gramma, you don't need that, you're pretty just the way you are".

My Grandmother makes a pfft face and rolls her eyes, half smiling. "I don't want to be pretty," she says, in a joking tone that reminded me so much of my own father, "I just want to be kissable!" and she puckers and makes a kissy face

I could not contain my laughter.

Later, talking to my Aunt, my dad's older sister (he's the middle child), she asked me how nannying was going and if I was still doing it. My sister asked me if I told her I was almost done, and my aunt perked her ears in way to say, "Oh? What's this?"

And my sister said that the family was having financial problems, which my aunt nodded to, as everyone is having them nowadays, and my sister then said that I was house hunting.

"HOUSE hunting?!" My Aunt says. I let her know it was more of a find-a-person/place-to-live-with/in hunting dealio. She nodded, and I made a joke that maybe I should just find someone and marry them and live in their house.

"Mmmhmm, you'd have to find yourself a Sugardaddy," she said in a really cutesy voice and an all knowing look, and my sister and I laughed.

"Well, that's what you'd have to do nowadays to find anyone rich."

Even though it was a joke, it was semi true, and I find this hilarious coming from my 62 year old aunt.

So, not a bad weekend overall. I even got to shoot some pool, which I love to do, even if I'm not that good.

Last night I visited with a friend I haven't seen for a bit because she was on vacation. Unfortunately she got called in to work, but not before we bought some cheese strings! (And me some ginger ale) I think I've had six today. They are so delicious.

This morning, some of the kids mentioned the fact that I wouldn't be back after hallowe'en. So I guess my leaving is out in the open now.

I'm glad my mom called her brother for me, I hopefully will be staying with him now.

I'm a little bit happier now because of all this. The kids' mother gave me a whole ton of extra bedding today, including nice feather pillows and a duvet.

I just hope the bed I will be sleeping in is a double, or else I'll be sad because I have my eye set on a set of sheets that I love a lot... :P

Scooby, Scooby-Doo, Where are you?

I've been going on a downloading binge over the past couple of days. It will be difficult to remember all of the movies I had before my hard drive crashed.

The weekend is here and my rather stressing week has come to a close.

The kid's dad has been asking me a few questions as to what I have been doing regarding apartments and job search, so I'm finally glad someone's talking out loud about it. Although, I still don't know if the kids have caught on. Usually these things are discussed when they aren't around, or aren't really paying attention, but that is normal. I hope they get told this weekend though; it would seem logical to tell them before my last week starts.

I get really annoyed with people touching my stuff without asking. I've been almost pushed to my limit this week.

Actually, maybe I should revise that. People using my stuff without asking.

Pisses me offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

This whole post probably doesn't seem very coherent. That's because my brain isn't being very coherent at all either. Hmm.

Apparently I have a dark and twisty mind inside. This has something to do with a comment a friend said about the poem I put a link to in my last post. Hmm.

I actually don't mind being dark and twisty. It's a personality type I'm rather good at fulfilling.

I miss my friends. I have no one around, and it seems really ironic that in my most stressful periods when I need someone to see to help kick it off, they physically can't be around.

I'm not angry, and I would never deny them their right to do whatever they want, and I know they can't possibly be around me all the time and they have to have their alone time too.

I am still just sad though. I should use this time to sleep. I would, if I could.

Found my old saved résumé today, almost finished revamping and filling in a three year gap.

Nice legs, Daisy Dukes, Makes a man go *wfhoot**wfhooo*

Ahhhh. I have just been having a really strange week.
I got stranded at the mall yesterday when my friends got hopelessly lost and we never met up. Oh well, got some early Christmas shopping in.

Went to check out another apartment today. Looked better than the last one. Hope it all works out...now I just need a job....

I got told I had a lovely voice tonight. It made me go rather embarrassed in the face.

I had a few mini revelations in the past few hours. My week has been chock full of those too.

This might be illuminating.

dr. pepper, fuzzy peaches.

There wasn't really much going on msn at the moment, so I decided to blog.
Murphy's Law, as soon as I start, people start chatting.
Oh well, I like people.

I like helping people with their problems.

I had some problems today. And I felt kind of overwhelmed. I almost started crying on the bus.
Not very impressive.

Now, I'm not saying that I use other people's problems and compare them to my own or make myself feel better about my own because of others.
I'm simply saying it helps put me in perspective, and reminds me there are people out there who value my opinion, and care about me, and my problems as well, the way that I care about their's. Maybe not in the same way, but the best way in our respective ways to help out.

I had a really interesting weekend I think.
Met a cute associate at Best Buy when he sold me my new iPod, watched a good movie and a bad movie in the theatre, waited forty minutes for food that should've taken ten and then I didn't have to pay for it, had the fire alarm go off for no reason, got a free movie ticket.
Met people I hadn't seen in a while. Checked out a mall after its renovation.

Missed people.

Today I felt little stress during the earlier day, but I didn't feel good when I was apartment hunting. Things aren't turning out as nicely as I'd like, and the searching process is wearing me out.
Still need to fix my resume. At least I think I can do that during lunch tomorrow.

I hope I can work up the effort to make cookies tomorrow morning, but I might just hit snooze over and over.