Aloutte, Gentille Alouette.

I don't know quite what to say tonight. I feel like typing something, and the back of my mind is nagging me to spill something, but I'm not quite sure what.

I went to my cousin's baby shower today. I love my mom's side of my family. I don't like alcohol that much, but I did like the amount of booze I saw, it made me giggle for some inexplicable reason. I was given a very strong giant banana daiquiri right at the start.
My family, I think, is just generally awesome.

I also found out that my mom loves my friends, and thinks that we are...well, fun. She was surprised at the fact that we can amuse ourselves so thorougly without having to go to great lengths, and that we aren't a showy bunch.
I felt the urge to tell her about my tattoo today, but then realized I was probably on crack for thinking that and kept my mouth shut.
That revelation could be disastrous.

I let my mind mill about with thoughts about a whole bunch of things revolving around one mutual topic, and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Like, it's not something horrible, just, well, enlightening and saddening and hope-inspiring all at the same time.

I think, that I just really want to cry. Crying is such an emotional and psychological release, I know this.
But I just don't have the energy to cry.
Which is kind of depressing.

I used to be one of those kinds of people where you could just tell me anything, and I always just listened, I never spoke. I never let anyone know of my problems. I was the shoulder to lean on, and I didn't expect nor need nor even really want one in return.
That's changed though. I'm still that shoulder, very firmly so. But I really really really want one in return. And I do get it. But I feel guilty about it, which is where the crying used to come in.
I suppose it still does.
The problem with me is, once I get that shoulder, I can have a difficult time knowing when to stop.
I don't know how I feel about this.

well, except from the wanting to cry. I have to get back into that mode where I just keep everything to myself. I can be very good at it. And I've had my fun where I spill the beans. So I think I may just, I don't know, be selective, and tell only certain things to certain people. And I know these certain people would keep it to themselves, even where I can't.

I think this is why I used to keep a diary.
I think I still have one with a few empty pages kicking around somewhere.

Downy Fabric Softener.

People are so confusing. This isn't one of those angsty oh-my-god-life-is-so-confusing-and-people-don't-make-sense-gonna-bawl-my-eyes-out confusing, just, in general. People are confusing.
And let's not confuse Confusing with Complicated. People aren't complicated, just confusing.

There was a family meeting this morning, where, once again the kids' father displayed his uncanny ability to resemble a four year-old having a tantrum. I felt kinda bad for the kids--not incredibly so because there was merit to some of what he was saying, but the rest...he just really needs to get over himself.
It really made me just want to go for a good cuddle.
I may employ a friend to help me with that later today, we'll see. I'm not feeling incredibly bad about the whole thing, just, feeling bad vicariously through the children and their mother.

Something made me kind of laugh today, but also feel good at the same time.
Yesterday on Facebook I did a quiz a friend had sent me, asking which of the orginal 151 Pokémon characters I was. Since the kids here are obsessed with that show and the game, I figured I'd take the quiz for fun, and tell them the results so they could have a good giggle.
Well, I took it, and I got Pikachu--one of the only characters I actually know. I have to say I was slightly pleased. The description was rather like me, and I like Pika-Pika. :D
Of course, when the results were posted I had to comment, and I wrote "me so kawaiiiiiiiii!" (Kawaii is Japanese for "cute").
This morning, when I checked my facebook, a friend of mine, who I believe still enjoys the show...
anywhoo, he had typed that he begged of me to never say that word in his presence. First of all, I was thrilled that someone else on facebook would know what kawaii means, and second of all, it made me giggle that this person would be horrified to have it used around him.
I can't really explain why it makes me giggly and happy, but it does.

On a side-note, I got my three pairs of headphones I ordered in the mail today. (although I missed the UPS guy, I just heard him saying there was a package to one of the kids, and he sounded like he was an attractive man. damn it. :[ Oh well.)

Whew. all this before 12:30....

And I think I still want that snuggle time...

Mama Cupcake ~(] pt. 2

After Chapters I was happy my friend Becx agreed with me to visit our mutual friend from high-school who we had not seen in ages, her especially since I took an extra year while she went off to university. We caught him just in the "Nick" of time (if my friend reads this, she will apreciate the pun). Or well, we got there just after he himself had just got home from work. I feel a bit of a hypocrite, working myself like a dog and then going around and telling others not to. Ha.

I found out that my friend has plans to go out of province next week to visit a friend. I felt sort of dejected. I know this friend also, and that she's a pretty great person. I just felt sad that he would go to such lengths to visit her (can't blame though; they've been friends since childhood, makes only sense) when I myself used to wish for such attention from him. Not saying that he likes her, no, that's not what I mean. Just the caring and missing. If that makes any sense. Oh well.

It was a good visit regardless. And left me sad when I went back home. I miss him all the time (I am very good at missing people, lol) and it's so difficult to get a hold of the man. Gah.

I took my difficulties on my visit to my friend during her nightshift, at 1'30 am. I didn't mention the madly in love part though. Hee.

The only thing this week that has truly made me feel good inside, I think, is when I visited my friend yesterday evening (not the one from earlier this week. it was the birthday boy). I texted him as I was rounding the corner, telling him I'd arrived, and he went and opened the door as I neared his driveway. He was saying out loud "Where's Mama?".

He spotted me and says "There's Mama."

I have yet to understand how terms of endearment completely melt me into nothingness and lighten my day for literally a week or so.

(because then I just fall back into my sadness.)

Mama Cupcake ~(|] pt. 1

I've been working around the house intensely these past few days; my work ethic matches to my first few weeks here when I worked so hard out of terror of being fired, and also because I had no idea what I was doing.

But, it has something to do with the fact that I've been feeling really weird all week. Not sick sort of weird, I just feel strange, I guess. I didn't even buy a book when I was in Chapter's, but more on that later. I can't really describe this feeling, but it's almost like, loneliness meets apathy meets ego meets depression meets minor happy events meets always having something to do. Ha.

I haven't had a nap in a week, and I have been getting five hours, tops, sleep every day. I am getting random bouts of insomnia again, and I don't think it has anything to do with the summer heat. I just don't know. I don't even feel tired, and even if I did (well, I kinda do now; I've been on my feet all day and made 48 cupcakes over the past two hours as well as supper simultaneously), I know I'd never be able to trick myself into a nap.

It's not caffiene either. That usually puts me to sleep.

Mood, obviously, is affected by events in your life. Well, it's not as if my life has had any ''events'' in it this week, but I have been doing things. I mean, Monday I was taken home by my friends, and they all had to leave sooner than I would have liked...because of work. *sigh*

Tuesday...umm. Rather boring. Me and some friends did, eventually, try to watch Coraline. I was kind of upset though, because I took them to the kitchen to let us enjoy some coffee, and then five minutes later we were bombarded by children who had been gone all evening. Suddenly my night with my friends, and my coffee time with them, was interrupted irrevocably by brattish children who know nothing but to follow their id; as they have been taught by their semi-neglective parents. I felt utterly embarrassed, angry, and pinned at the same time. I felt horrible for accidentally dragging my friends into a pit of annoyance. I begged forgiveness in my mind. I felt unfulfilled when they eventually had to all go home, and upset that the whole kitchen situation had dulled our time in half.

It only got worse when two of the boys and their friend (who isn't the greatest influence on them), whose room is right above me, decided to take till 1 30 am to quiet down--after I had found the comfy spot on the pillow I had had to go upstairs to tell them to shut up, since their parents don't seem to know how to climb that set of stairs. (And then, to add insult to injury, the girls decided to start watching tv REALLY loudly in their room after I was done with the boys. I didn't even bother this time.)

The next day was my friend's birthday. I decided to wake up extremely early (thus getting about 3 hours of real sleep after my first day off vacay, rofl) to get ingredients for his present.

It's so beautiful in the early morning, and people are lovely.

I thought about taking walks every morning, then realized I would want to do it with someone, and I have no one to walk with. I determined that if I ever get married, they are going to go on one morning walk with me a week, at least.

But. It extremely annoyed me that of the 24 cupcakes I made, more than half of them were devoured by people who knew their purpose, and that the first one was eaten by the children's mother. It almost disgusts me, actually.

It made me...depressed when I only saw said friend on birthday for about ten minutes because he was hanging out with a special friend later in the evening. I don't care if my friends have relationships, I have no authority to tell them who to go out with. But suddenly, I was left alone on an evening because my friends had other commitments. With this one, because of certain circumstances, I didn't know how to deal. I just kinda went through the day in a daze. When I was asked to hang out with my other friend, I snapped up the chance and suggested Chapters. I didn't even buy books, that's how out of whack I am.

Day Ten. Home Again, Home Again.

Well, we got the cheese, but not the birch beer; the store for that was closed. We left late last night and drove in the dark. We finally got to the Canadian border around noon. It was really good to see familiar coffee shops again, and to turn my cell on. But yesterday. It was fun before we left; we had a hayride, we milked cows, I found little kittens I could adore. But that was about it during the day, we just packed and did well, not too much for the rest of it.

Unfortunately we didn’t go the Chicago route; I think my parents didn’t want to deal with the traffic or something. Oh well, that’s life.

So here I sit, in the evening, typing this. I’ve had a shower, I’ve repacked my things before I go back to my house (we are just at my parent’s now). My friend might pick me up tonight, which would be much more preferable to anyone here driving me. I’ve had quite enough of them this week, and I say that in the most affectionate way possible. I just have to figure out what to do in the mean time. I am too tired to do much of anything physical, yet, I think the only reason I’m tired is because I haven’t been doing anything for the past 20 hours or so, and I don’t really feel the urge to sleep. I think a nap would make me feel ill. I don’t feel like starting another novel, typing is starting to become a bore as my only option, and finally I feel like an obese couch potato if I sit down in front of the TV, I mean, I’ve been sitting down all day.

A little silver lining to my cloud of boredom, though. I went into the bank today, and the cheque I had deposited a while ago had the hold on it lifted, so I officially have money again, hooray :P

As I finish this up, my brain is starting to melt with the effort of doing something that takes thought, and I smell my mother making supper. Unfortunately, the smell of food is repulsive to me right now, I don’t know why. It was probably from the 14 hour car ride though, I imagine.

I’m just excited to have my friends kidnap me tonight to take me home. That hasn’t happened in a while, and it always makes me feel special and wanted. And, after all, isn’t that what everyone wants, to some degree, deep down?

Day Nine. So Close Yet So Far Away.

It’s Sunday again. The pig was delicious. There is still a mountain of it left. The party actually went well; the weather was ok and there were a bunch of people. I got bored eventually, but it wasn’t for me anyways, so no one really noticed if I slipped through the cracks every once in a while to do some typing or play solitaire downstairs for a bit. We already went to church this morning, Latin High Mass again, in the beautiful church. It almost didn’t matter that the mass was 1 ½ hours as opposed to the 45 minute ones I’m used to.

Although, I noticed that almost all of the women there were wearing veils or a hat of some type, my own mother included. I used to wear a veil when I was like…seven. Never again. First of all, I don’t see the point (I’ll have to Google it), secondly, it looks ridiculous, thirdly, why the guys don’t have to wear it I don’t see why, and lastly, I just don’t feel like conforming. (I’m not really a great conformist; I follow the crowd at my own will, I daresay.)

Anyway. I hear we may go to some square-dancing thing this afternoon. Pfft. I haven’t done square dancing since…well, about four or five years ago. Sounds like…fun? I guess it could be, it all just depends on the company I suppose.

Another thing I overheard is that we might actually leave tonight. That would be good, and the dark would help me sleep better in the car. It would also get me home a lot sooner than I had hoped, and I would still have all day Monday, in Canada, to enjoy vacation. I feel bad for my sister’s fiancé though; I imagine he isn’t too excited for all of us to leave, especially his fiancée. I know how he would feel (minus the fiancée, but I mean, people you really enjoy leaving, etc.), and can’t help empathizing for him privately. I still feel bad for having wanted to leave so terribly. It really has been a pretty good time, on the whole. But everyone has to leave sometime, and I know him and my sister won’t go that long without seeing each other again, and I know they talk on the phone all the time, so it won’t be too heart wrenching.

My sister and I still need to get more cheese and birch beer.

Day Eight. Partay!

Well, it’s the day of the engagement party. We’ve been cleaning for a lot of the morning already, and they started roasting the pig at 3 am. I’m hoping to get a picture of it before it’s devoured. I’m so close to leaving, it’s kind of exciting. I’m rather down about the fact that I’m missing blink-182 today, but I guess this is what they mean about “family first”. I just hope that I’ll have another opportunity for floor tickets some day :s

I watched The Count of Monte Cristo last night, a movie I haven’t watched in a while (although my vote was for the Matrix). It really is a good movie. I just wish there was more speaking actual French in it, considering they are in, well…France.

Oh, I just heard them say the pig is ready. Exciting. There have been many family functions amongst my relatives where there was a pig roast, but somehow I always seemed to miss them. Funny that the only time I do get to go to one, I would rather be somewhere else. Irony seems to attract to me like a magnet. European comedians would have a field day with my life. I feel sort of bad though. I mean I don’t mean to be disrespectful or selfish or spoiled when I say I want to be somewhere else; it’s just that it’s so difficult you see. I mean, we aren’t just in a random place somewhere; we are in a random place in another country. You’d be amazed at the difference. I went with my sister today to get supplies and while I was loading the car with pop, wine, beer and butter, she went to get streamers at the dollar store. They only had red, white, and blue streamers; my earlier joking suggestion to her to get red and white ones to decorate (obviously for Canada, she had rolled her eyes) was actually followed because of the lack of choice. I wondered if they do it on purpose, do they force you to be patriotic, even at something as personal as an engagement party. I don’t like it. Whatever though, red and white are nice together, no matter what nationality you are, I think. It’s not just the Canadian flag.

Oh, funny thing. In Canada we call sweet corn, well, sweet corn. We passed a large wagon on the road that had ‘Candy Corn’ painted on the side. I always thought that was something you ate at Halloween that was so sickeningly delicious and sweet that you felt ill after eating too much. I didn’t realize it was an actual food, lol. I prefer the term Sweet Corn, but that’s my upbringing, I guess.

And now to see that pig!