La Valse d'Amelie.

Wow, today was kinda exhausting.

I did some babysitting this afternoon. The kids are adorable, and so much simpler than what I'm used to. They remind me of kids who I used to babysit in grade eight (the elder one is now in grade nine! I feel soooo old).
I got to be a princess! and a Queen. It was the elder girl's idea. Apparently all royalty does is sit there while they are piled with blankets and pillows and given play food and told to have naps (I quite enjoyed being told to have a nap).

The exhausting comes in to play when I walk to the bus stop at 8:15 pm, and find out the next bus won't be coming until 8:47...
So what does an impatient girl who loves to walk do?
She walks all the way to the bus terminal in the freezing cold and dark.
I may be an idiot, but I am a well exercised one ;)

even if I had taken the bus though, I still would have been late for my transfer. So I frantically found out what else I could take so that I wouldn't have to wait until 10:00 pm...and it was only 9 o'clock.
So I found a bus that would get me as close to my final destination as I could, and when I got to the stop, I went into the nearby grocery store and bought myself muffins, hot dogs, and chocolate milk.

Damn,
I hadn't had chocolate milk in a while. My CMW-ishness came back to me reallllly quickly.
I then walked another 25 minutes to get home.

But I made it!
And my Uncle told me there was supper left for me in the fridge.
I don't know if you know how this feels, but I feel pretty incredible to find deliciously seasoned chicken, potatoes, gravy and corn waiting to be simply reheated and then devoured at 10 pm.
I felt so taken care of, and I never have to ask to be fed, it's just simply done.
I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone. It's great.

I simply completed the meal with some strong coffee, and by the time I was finished, was so full I almost understood why bulemics do what they do.
My family knows how to fill a stomach, hahaha.

And it's so quiet here, and relaxing. I can repose in the glow of my laptop, Hikaru, rest my legs on the table in front of me where I sit on this comfy couch, and breathe in the smell of calm house, cigarello, and coffee. The filter in the fish tank makes a comforting, consistent noise to break the silence and leaves it non-deafening.
I checked all my facebook updates, and they left me happy. I look forward to a weekend filled with things that will not want to make me bash my head on a metal countertop.

I am content.
All I need now is a cat.
Hmmm.

Colours of the Wind.

I don't normally write two blogs in one day...but it's been almost twelve hours since the last one, and my mind is overflowing today because I haven't written them in so long.

Interesting night. I had decaf coffee because everyone else wants to sleep tonight. It tasted the same to me, but it didn't matter whether or not it was decaf, as the caffeine doesn't affect me anyways.
I wonder if that will be a problem in university...
and engergy drinks just fill my bladder with unnecessary swiftness.

I keep finding out about social events that apparently I am supposed to be part of, but I am being informed about them way too close to their dates of occurance than I am comfortable with.
Normally I don't mind, it's just these ones are conflicting because of the short notice, so it's kind of frustrating.

I'm starting to get tired...I woke up early this morning and have been going since then.
does decaf have the opposite effect as caf, and make you tired instead of energized?

something I've realized, I really like colour. if you've been following my blod, you realize I've changed the colours a bit every so often.
I love colour!
simple. lol. but it had to be said.

hmm.
writing.
I'm going to get back to my new idea, and keep typing it.

Upon the Crosses.

It's Remembrance Day in Canada. I always have had a sort of special affection for this day. I think I knew it was really important for the first time when I was little and still home-schooled. It was November 11th and we all stood for a moment of silence at 11:00 am, and my mom started crying. When my mom cries, I know it's something important, as heartless as I can be towards her at times.

I think I figured out how grateful I was to everyone who had helped out in those wars the year that I nearly started bawling myself during Oh Canada in a Remembrance Day Assembly in high school.

Since then, I've found out family history reasons that I can especially be proud and thankful on this day, but I don't feel like crying anymore, I just feel pride.

In a country where we are known for our niceness and peace keeping and humbleness, I think it's good to have times of Pride. And I don't mean that in the Toronto Parade in June kinda way ;) lol.

onto other things.

My internet was being so screwed up, but it looks like it's fiiiiinally fixed up.

I am pleased, hence, writing a blog!

And I'm baking again.

I feel safe baking because I know that I will have the funds coming in to pay for ingredients; I have a job! Yay!!!

I feel victorious.

I also realized something while riding on the bus yesterday.

Recently, my life has been full of darkness, metaphorically. My blogs and journal entries were depressing, dark, and distressing. My poetry and prose were angry and sad.

Darkest before the light?

(I smell beer somewhere, I think I'm going crazy)

Perhaps. Because things are looking a lot more up. I got a job within two days of walking in to the place, I can keep baking, I have stores nearby and easy access to things, I am warm, I have a place to live for not very much a month, I am going to have days filled to the brim, I have writing ideas, I have family I can see, and friends I can talk to. I have free laundry.

I get tons of sleep in a room that stays clean because there's no one to mess it up and I'm not so exhausted I can't clean it.

I have a blog to vent my anger.

I have a family I used to nanny, who still love me and have kids who won't let me go everytime I see them now.

You have to go through bad times or there would be nothing to differentiate them from the good.

sounds philosophical? sappy?

I don't really care, I'm just glad I don't feel like the world is crashing down on my head anymore.

(let's make this really conclusion, informal essay like)

Lest We Forget...

On this Remembrance Day, I remember that there were men and women who went through a lot worse than I did every day for half a decade, twice.

They helped make it so that I can experience these good times, and it's up to me, like them, to fight the bad ones.

so much to saaaaay-ay-ay-ay, mmm, but so little tiii-mmmuh

(Lol, the title of this post is to be sung to the tune of the "Watcha Say" song on the radio that is a rip-off of the awesome Imogen Heap song, "Hide and Seek".)

So. There really is a lot to say, it's almost daunting to me how much I feel I will have to cram into this blog.

First thing's first. I finally am connected to the Internet! Yes, I am at my Uncle's house, all my stuff in and whatnot, and I have finally acquired the wireless' password, so I am content.

It was interesting moving all my things. I realized that I have a ton of stuff when all boxed up, but as I was putting it away, I realized that it wasn't really unreasonable stuff. I mean, as I rifled through it, emptying the boxes, I kept an eagle eye out for things that I could get rid of/sell. Aside from some books, there really wasn't anything. I guess as you get older, you just accumulate things, and since I've kind of been on my own (not living in under my parent's roof that is) for just over two years, I've been gathering things to fill a house. Things that I need to survive on my own, without people purchasing for me or that I would have to share.

I had serious emotional cold feet on Tuesday night, however, when my friends left after helping me cart boxes into the house. I felt really alone. I wanted a mommy (my Aunt died almost six years ago, so there isn't a mother figure in this house anymore), or a sister, or something. I realized that I really mostly wanted some additional femininity in the house, but I would have taken another guy too. Not that I mind my Uncle, it's just that I wanted a third person to bounce off of.

But, as I went to sleep that night, I tossed and turned. I had the oddest feelings inside of me. I actually wanted a doll, or a teddy bear, or a sleeping companion; either something that I could hold to reassure myself, something to take care of and take the focus off of me, or someone that would hold onto me, and I could just lose myself and my worries in them, and sleep peacefully.

Neither of these were to be found.

I'm better now, and I will get more, day by day, as I work myself into a routine.

I think what the problem is is, I don't know the routine. I don't know who makes dinner, who cleans dishes, who vacuums, who does the garbage and recycling...

I'll get used to it though, things are already starting to fall into a pattern.

As I went out today to buy a USB cable for my printer from Staples, I realized that I will soon be able to get a hang of the bus systems, they're really not so difficult! For that I am glad.

I also had some fortuitous meetings at Staples, and let's see if I can't get myself some employment there ;)

I don't really know what else to say, but that I miss my friends, and I want to see them again soon! This should hopefully be made easier by my new internet access.

Also! I bought some new pillows today, and cases for them.

Pillowcases are expensive!!!!!

Why?

2 pillowcases that look like any other pillowcase and are just regular sized were more than the two pillows I was covering with them!

And I needed to buy two sets of pillow cases!

They better last a loooooong time. Or somebody's gonna get yelled at.

a deep craving for applesauce.

so, this may not come as a surprise, but, once again, I cannot believe the gall of the children's mother (yes, I am still not moved out yet...more on that later).

Last night, I walked into the kitchen because I could finally move around without fear of fainting or having major muscle spasms in my legs. I was going to make some soup, but I found ice cream and I was rather hot, so I chose the ice cream.

One of the children was frantically whining to her mother, asking when she would get the h1n1 vaccine in the house to give to them (as their mother is a doctor, she is allowed to give the kids the shot herself). The mother said that she tried, but the nurse said that they were only giving them out first to pregnant/breastfeeding women and the elderly. She sounded pissed about it, like her daughter had more right to the vaccine than a pregnant woman. Her child nearly started screaming."I'll try again, maybe I'll get a more sympathetic nurse"

cue sound of a record stopping abruptly *rrrrrrrrrrrRRR!*

more sympathetic nurse?

The fuck woman!

now, as you know, I am not an advocate for and I do not really condone the flu shot of any sorts.however,I do feel angry about this.

The fact that this woman would say something like this, in the tone of voice she used, like the nurse was crazy to refuse her the vaccine and that her family deserved it more and just...garh!!!!

I mean, I am sorry, but I am quite sure that your 12 year old daughter, who plays sports year round, eats a ton, gets plenty of sleep and water and is allowed to lounge in her pj's all day will be able to tough it out a lot more than a pregnant woman, who not only is trying to keep herself from being sick, but also an unborn human baby who hasn't had the chance yet to build up an immune system because he/she hasn't even taken a breath of outside air yet.

I just couldn't stand the arrogance.

I wonder, perhaps, if the nurse had told her they were only giving the vaccines out to Sheltie dogs at the moment, whether their mother would have been so upset.

Sorry, Sweetie, but the Shelties need their vaccines too. We'll get yours as soon as they're done.

as a side note. I plan on moving today!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!! let's hope nothing goes wrong. as it is, I have to lay down every 20 minutes or so so that I don't get exhausted.at least I'm not really sick any more!!!

and, at least I've already had this stupid virus, so no one can come after me with a vaccine....

scandalous! pt II

This blog had to be a two parter because my brain started to die near the end of the one last night.
I was going to talk about the weekend.
It was fun, I went to my sister's hallowe'en party on Friday. I invited some friends along, and they told me that they had an amazing time and thanked me for inviting them.
This was really a relief. I am a little bit of a control freak sometimes, and I always feel it is my duty to make sure, that if I invite people somewhere, that they have a good time. If I think they had a bad time, I failed.

What I realized, upon reflection, was that not once during the night did I ask them if they were having a good time, or asking them if they needed something, or made sure that they were getting along with everyone else. They were doing just fine on their own, and it was such a relief.

On Saturday night, I went to a different movie/hallowe'en party, and it was good also, except for the fact that I really started coming down with my illness (I call it illness because I'm really not sure what the hell I'm sick with; I imagine it is a flu of some sort), and I think I got my one friend sick.
(Although, if you knew him, you would find it rather funny how he got sick and almost poetic justice.)

When driving home that night, two of my friends started having a....discussion in the van.
I know that friendships aren't always daisies and rainbows, but I think both of them were being a bit silly.
If either of them read this, they can know that that is my opinion, and that they should work it out pronto before it gets worse because I don't want to have to deal with it, I am too sick and I think you are both being a little insensitive.

I am supposed to be moved in to my Uncle's tonight, but I don't know if that is going to happen.

newsflash it is currently about 12.30, just after lunchtime. Two of the kids just came in to see how I'm doing. This would be the first time someone has come in here to see if I'm alive since...well about nine o'clock last night.
Yay, I feel special.
The one mentioned something about his mom, but I didn't quite catch it, and he didn't repeat it. I don't know what he was talking about, but it gave me a bad feeling. I'll have to dig it out of him later. If she has some kind of whacked up thoughts against me for getting sick, I don't quite think I will know what to do.

scandalous! pt I

My head hurts. I am coughing less than I was this morning and my throat isn't sore.
My legs hurt. Everytime I get goosebumps on them, each one feels like an individual needle pricking into my skin.

So, obviously as you can tell, I am sick. It started coming on about three days ago or so, and all hell broke loose in my body today.
Just some of the loverly things that I was able to experience today were:
sweating enough to drench my whole body and bed and make my pyjamas feel like I had jumped in a pool;
nearly blacking out when I attempted to have a bath;
not being able to move my limbs without extreme pain;
being really hungry because no one came to my room til about 3 pm, and I didn't get food til about 7...

I don't mean to be a pity party. It just sucks.
I was saved though, when my lovely darling of a friend came over with ginger ale, soup, and peppermint tea once she was informed of the situation.

I am glad I'm feeling a bit better though, because I was going insane trying to fall asleep. There was tons of noise outside my door and window, random things kept going through my brain, I was worrying about everything...

I think I know that I am feeling better though, most because I want to eat all of my halloween candy right now, haha.
this is all rather unfortunate though, because I had planned on doing a lot of packing today.