late spring cleaning

I totally rearranged today. I switched from winter to summer clothes in my armoire, put my shoes there as well and replaced my shoe cabinet with cds, dvd's and games/gamelike things. I alphabetically rearranged the books in my book cupboard and tidied up the ones on my windowsill...I got rid of some of the crap under my bed, got rid of some clothes and found some stuff I thought was lost...like two singles of two different pairs of flip-flops.

I even threw out a 1/4 of my makeup that was gross and old, and organized the rest (which, if you know me or have seen it, know that that is one hell of a job).
Unfortunately, I didn't organize my earrings and other jewellery....that's going to take some coffee and a long nap before I tackle that problem.

I went to Wal-Mart today. It wasn't my choice, I would have rather gone to the mall to get my swimsuit top, but that wasn't where the driver was going, and I was just the passenger. Everytime I step inside a Wal-Mart I feel it slowly trying to consume my soul.
I want to cry for the poor children who slaved for three times less per day than the insanely low prices the store is willing to offer on my Cambodian made lycra swimwear.
I want to cry at the obese people able to overstuff their cart with saturated fat in the form of food due to the crazy low price the supermart offers.
I want to cry at the people who look like the result of many generations of redneck-hick inbreeding, able to shop with millions of others of the same type, who need not worry what they look like, because the higher-class people who actually care about their looks and a little bit more quality go to Zellers.
I want to cry for the teenager, the old woman, and the middle aged man that need to wear "How can I make you smile today?" old and disgusting frocks, probably still unwashed from the last person who quit the soul-sucking place.

This was my...fifth(?) time approximately in a Wal-Mart, probably not the last, unfortunately, but definitely the most depressing.

On the way back, the kids' mom said that I should write articles for the Observer, our local bi-weekly paper serving our township. She said my writing is good. She also said I'd probably be very good at journalism.
I like it when people compliment my writing...even if it's journalism.

Tonight, I called my older sister, and she said she was talking to some guy she works with who goes to McGill, and he said that one of the Uni's I am contemplating in Montreal is very good...for journalism, because that is what my sister asked him about. (Although, it is good for just writing in general...phew.)

Why is it that when I tell people that I want to get into Writing and such, they assume journalism?
I HATE JOURNALISM.
It's so dry...I find it very boring and semi-difficult to write
(ok, not difficult so much as just....really not so creative)
It just saddens me is all.
Why can't they assume I want to be a novel writer, or a short story writer, or a poet, or a playwright, or a screenwriter, why do they have to assume journalism?
I don't get it.
Do I look like a journalist?
(I don't even know what exactly that job description entails totally, anyways.)

I am pretty sure the only syndicate work I could ever do would be an opinion article...maybe I should do psych in uni as well, and do an advice column...I already dish enough of it out every day anyways...

One thing makes me curious though. Their mother said I should write for the paper? I really don't know what I would do. I don't think they want stories....
???

life. *sigh*

I totally had a fuck my life moment last night.
It really sucked, and I don't wanna talk about it.
I even considered actually putting it on the fml website, but then I realized the person who the whole shebang was about would, in all likelihood, read said post because I know he frequents the site, and then of course, said person would most likely recognize it as me and him in the story.
Double fml.

*sigh*

I know blogs are meant to be read by people, and me being the egotistical human being that I am, would be flattered to have lots of people read it.
However,
one of the kids yesterday, while I was closing some tabs in my browser, noticed my blog and was all interested in reading it.
Since several of the posts in this blog make specific mention to this teenager, and also because I have no interest in her reading into the trials and tribulations of my life, I flat-out told her no.
And then I shut the browser window, hee hee hee.

She was actually pissing me off a lot tonight, which is nothing new. My one friend comes over daily (bless his soul) to help preserve my spirit from being crushed under the weight of all the kids I watch over. It's great that he and I both love French, because we can have semi-conversations, or I can at least complain to him and the kids don't understand.
For instance, I can say to him, as I did tonight, puis-j'elle tuer? (which, btw, totally isn't proper grammer, but we both understood that it meant, can I please murder her?), and the worst that will happen is that she will make fun of us for speaking French in Canada, because, aparently it's not important or something (btw, it's our second national language, it's awesome, I enjoy it and it improves my brain power, so, fuck off dipshit. seriously, I am so sick and tired of listening to you. gah.).

On the flip side, I played a really good game of Scrabble tonight, it calms me just so much, and I love putting words together--I just love words in general. They make me happy x)

Omg, funny thing happened, this friend, who's very sympathetic to my cause and helps keep me sane, well, 3/4 way through our game of Scrabble, his mother came over...(they only live four houses down)
She wasn't very impressed that he hadn't gone home at all...(he'd been with me since 2:00...and it was 9:10) and that he hadn't called...which is pretty bad...I guess...(I've so totally done worse)She constantly is asking the boy if he is dating me. Which he isn't. I find it quite humourous at the amount of people that think/wonder the same thing.
But if they actually paid attention to the way that we deal with each other when we are together/alone, they would recognize that it's simply friendship.
(plus, there are circumstances that I believe compell me to never have feelings for this boy, or if I ever did, shove them away, pronto)
Anyways, the mother was calmed down, the game of Scrabble was finished, and he went home, and I went to my room, almost crying with frustration over aforementioned she-wolf who I had to endure more than I could stand almost.

Pity party aside, it's now quite calming to just lay here and type this blog.

But, man, I am hungry all the sudden...maybe I should have eaten supper...hmm.

Le Destin.

So, yesterday at the Medieval festival in town, I paid five dollars for a palm reading.
It was very positive in general, and really fed my ego, hee hee.

Everyday when I check my e-mail inbox, I get a horoscope. And it's generally pretty positive, or there is at least one positive aspect to it.

Now, I'm not any new-agey person, but I do enjoy dabbling with the ideas of destiny and predetermination and all that jazz.

I always take it with a grain of salt of course, and reflect on what is said to me, kind of like a meditation of the day (something that my mother, a very religious Catholic, does everyday with her own meditation book. See? It's not all that bad to have something to reflect upon every day, regardless of where it comes from.)

Anyways.

So, I have determined something from this, it makes me a little optimistic, I guess.
In general, I have noticed a lot of people pissed off at the world, what is happening, and being all depressed about it. Now I am not saying that the wrong turns and pitfalls of our planet and people also don't upset me, I just don't get so darned worked up about it when I'm not going to do anything about it except complain and get depressed. That's just annoying (yes, you people, it is annoying, and I would like you to please shut up until you get off that obese ass of yours and do something about the planet. Then cry how nothing is going well).

Yeah.

But, back to my point. What I have determined from this is that, upon examination that snowballed from these reflective horoscopes, etc., is that my life is not so depressing, hard or extraordinarily painful as I once thought it was.
Yes, lots of shit happened in it that shouldn't have and that was unfair, yes, there were tough moments that surely some people wouldn't have been able to handle, and yes, obviously my parents don't understand me and I became overly rebellious about it.
But whatever.

I have a job, I have a house I live in with people that I am neither terrified of or despise, I have family that I enjoy seeing on occasion and don't hate, and I have the best friends in the world, no joke. (I love them all so much <3.) I also happen to have a quasi-plan of what I want to do with my life, and I have the initiative to make it work. I also have nice skin, which really doesn't have anything to do with this, but it actually helps take away the stress of cleaning my face every day with a billion different things and getting depressed when it doesn't work. LOL.

I have grown up a lot, I suppose is what I am saying. I've stopped trying to blame all my problems on my past. Of course, I know aspects of my personality are shaped by my past, simply because of the whole nature vs. nurture debate, and I strongly believe in both shaping individuals to be who they are. But I have my own free will, I am very strong-willed, and I know that only I will be the cause of my own demise.

So World, you're safe from my middle finger :)

fence hopper

in our day and age, there's so much, yet so little to inspire. Everything is explained; hardly any "what-if's" left.
Most of the beloved works of today are just commentaries on how the world has turned to shit-- back then it was about the fear and wonder beyond your doorstep.
Of course, we still love to read or to listen to those ego-fueling thoughts.

It's so awe uninspiring that another simple awe uninspiring thing will take you away from that first awe uninspiring thing, whether or not you were reading, writing or listening to the former.
That's how simple it is.
And what makes it so difficult at the same time.

How can anybody make something noteable when it has to fight against yearsw of trash?
So much is left undeservingly in the gutter. No one has "time" to pay attention to anything worthwhile, they want the cheap thrill of a convenient piece of shit that won't make them think so they can fall asleep at night right away after that late night brain eating television show about how big your boobs need to be to crush a beer can.

Unfortunately, for those who want something good...
usually they are ridiculed for that 'boring looking book'.
Which is quite sad.

The only thing I can't decide is, which side of the fence this result-of-a-bored-mind piece or work should fall on.
Shit?
Or the start of something good?

hollywood undead

(is what is playing on my laptop right now, i actually really like them.)
so, i did one of those random quizzes on facebook today, and since they didn't make any spelling mistakes in it, i kinda liked it. i found out what my 'sign' is: the peace sign

"You are the Peace Sign, the friendliest of all the symbols. You try and get along with everyone and most of the time, you succeed. You love colors and circular shapes. Bringing joy to everyone in the world is your goal, along with ending world hunger, war, and making world peace. You work hard for what you get and deserve it. Don't give up with your plans. =)"

regardless of most fb quizzes being total crocks, this is actually totally me. i was even discussing this issue with becca and calvin last night, before this quiz was even before my eyes.

friendly? definitely (most of the time, anyway, lol) i guess i'm just a people pleaser, although i try to not be a pushover.
love colours? all you have to do is take a look at my earring collection to know this is true. and my socks.
circular shapes? yes. they represent continuity, unity and smoothness. i love the shape of the dreamcatcher above my bed. i love names starting with "O" ^^
i don't know if i could get world peace and all that jazz, but it's certainly a nice idea. i work hard for everything i do or else i feel like i'm mooching...although i'm not sure if that's a completely different issue, lol.
and, finally, i LOVE the =) at the end of the description. it is basically me personified, especially the slitty eyes XD

but i am going to bring it back to that discussion i was having with my two friends. as a result of talking about sexual activity, who we could never do such a thing with, and the difference between a boy's boy smell and a girl's apparent unique taste, my brain went off on some random tangents later when i was alone and just dozing off to sleep.

i really despise having mini-"revelations" and not being able to properly put them into words, but here goes.
so what i've discovered is that i have absolutely NO conscious ability to attract males in a more than just friendly manner. i'm probably even worse uncounsciously. i'm too honest, too loud, too uncoventionally feminine and unfeminine at the same time, and just incapable at non-friendly flirting. it always just comes out as cute and playful, like you were just fooling around 'flirting' with your friend for fun to make each other laugh because you know neither of you are interested in the other.

Sigh.

it's even worse when the person is older or firstly an acquaintance of one of my older sisters because then i am the little sister, even when they are only like, 3 years older and had they not known my siblings, would have the opportunity to be just as attractive as any other 18/19 yr old. but, being the little sis or whatever, i am safe, neutral, unnattractive, cute little kid material.
it sucks ass. (and sometimes gets you in trouble when the assholes decide to play tricks with you)

because, you know, it's great to socialize with those older than you, and amazing to be able to be friends with all the guys when i know that a lot of girls have difficulty with that, but sometimes, i'm just really fucking sick of it.
if i were in a book, it would end up with me getting the great guy (prolly some slightly geeky/attractive good guy with a bad boy edge who makes me look inside myself for some inner worth or some shit like that. not to say that i don't find those guys attractive, but i don't know if i want the stereotype just for conventional purposes. as i mentioned, i am a little unconventional. and crazy.)

but this isn't a book, it's a cruel, usually unfair world, and it is brutal and annoying and tiring me out. it's not like i've been actively looking for someone and am ready to give up, but the fact that no one has seemed to notice or mention anything or put some interest forward in this my 18th year of life is pissing me off. i didn't realize i was so unnattractive. it's not like i'm a recluse and never meet anyone, that is about the opposite of me. but whatever, i'm not going to fight nature.

unless nature says i;m to be a nun, then i will say hell no.

so yeah. makes me mad, makes me sad, makes me wonder, but you know, whatver will be will be.
(i just wish i had the ability to help that 'whatever' along....)

too far?

so a lot of ppl i know are pregnant or have a kid because they were recently pregnant. i'm talking about ppl under twenty years old. some are married, some are not (the married ones, i applaud you, but will talk more about you)
some are engaged. some are single. some are in relationships.

i have them all on facebook.

i wondered if it could be an interesting experiment in just human observation to, even after i probably won't talk to these people very often, observe how their lives go, according to what they display on facfebook (beleive me, i beleive they would tell all--whoops, i just spelled believe wrong twice...too lazy to fix it)

basically i am going to stalk them i guess...only it's legal cuz it's on facebook, haha.

seriously though, having grandmothers who married young and went in two totally different directions, i wanna see how this plays out. i know it will take years, but i don't plan on dying soon, unless i get the swine flu somehow...(oops, i mean, H1N1) ;)

i wanna see who gets married, divorced, engaged or becomes/stays single.

loving psychology and some sociology and a general observer and safeguarder of all...this is just up my alley. maybe i should write some report on it someday (if i liked writing reports...i just have to trick myself into thinking its just some random useless journal entry.)

i wonder if any of my friends, or ppl in general, are thinking the same or something similar to me.

or am i just incredibly creepy?

i am not doing it to intrude upon their lives.

still, too horrible to do?

school...makes you do things

so while looking up entrance necessities for the various schoools I want to attend, I realized that I am going to have to do a lot of writing. Like I am going to have to get back in that habit of writing every day. Which is good and bad. Writing is a love of mine, yes, but it can be incredibly hard to fit it into my schedule; I am so tired all the time.
But this is my future we're talking about here, so I guess I'll just have to make an exception.
And of course the new laptop should help
(ps-when getting your nails done, consider whether or not you will still be able to type on your laptop keyboard. it can very hard. damn you events+my girlish likes=get nails done when you really don't actually need them.)

something nice: I kind of sort of understand torrents now, so that means virtually unlimited fall out boy for me. I fall in love with them all over again every day.
for those of you looking to hear some cool music, check these songs out somewhere:

• pavlove-fall out boy
• i don't care (machine shop remix)-fall out boy
• america's suitehearts (south rakkas remix)- fall out boy
• golden-fall out boy
• lullabye- fall out boy

(the acoustic versions are good too)

• bounce- the cab
• one of those nights- the cab
• the fear- lily allen
• fuck you- lily allen
• cookie jar- gym class heroes
• hands down- dashboard confessional
• the city is at war -cobra starship
• damn you look good and i'm drunk (scandalous)-cobra starship [HILARIOUS]
• simple, starving to be safe- daphne loves derby