fence hopper

in our day and age, there's so much, yet so little to inspire. Everything is explained; hardly any "what-if's" left.
Most of the beloved works of today are just commentaries on how the world has turned to shit-- back then it was about the fear and wonder beyond your doorstep.
Of course, we still love to read or to listen to those ego-fueling thoughts.

It's so awe uninspiring that another simple awe uninspiring thing will take you away from that first awe uninspiring thing, whether or not you were reading, writing or listening to the former.
That's how simple it is.
And what makes it so difficult at the same time.

How can anybody make something noteable when it has to fight against yearsw of trash?
So much is left undeservingly in the gutter. No one has "time" to pay attention to anything worthwhile, they want the cheap thrill of a convenient piece of shit that won't make them think so they can fall asleep at night right away after that late night brain eating television show about how big your boobs need to be to crush a beer can.

Unfortunately, for those who want something good...
usually they are ridiculed for that 'boring looking book'.
Which is quite sad.

The only thing I can't decide is, which side of the fence this result-of-a-bored-mind piece or work should fall on.
Shit?
Or the start of something good?

hollywood undead

(is what is playing on my laptop right now, i actually really like them.)
so, i did one of those random quizzes on facebook today, and since they didn't make any spelling mistakes in it, i kinda liked it. i found out what my 'sign' is: the peace sign

"You are the Peace Sign, the friendliest of all the symbols. You try and get along with everyone and most of the time, you succeed. You love colors and circular shapes. Bringing joy to everyone in the world is your goal, along with ending world hunger, war, and making world peace. You work hard for what you get and deserve it. Don't give up with your plans. =)"

regardless of most fb quizzes being total crocks, this is actually totally me. i was even discussing this issue with becca and calvin last night, before this quiz was even before my eyes.

friendly? definitely (most of the time, anyway, lol) i guess i'm just a people pleaser, although i try to not be a pushover.
love colours? all you have to do is take a look at my earring collection to know this is true. and my socks.
circular shapes? yes. they represent continuity, unity and smoothness. i love the shape of the dreamcatcher above my bed. i love names starting with "O" ^^
i don't know if i could get world peace and all that jazz, but it's certainly a nice idea. i work hard for everything i do or else i feel like i'm mooching...although i'm not sure if that's a completely different issue, lol.
and, finally, i LOVE the =) at the end of the description. it is basically me personified, especially the slitty eyes XD

but i am going to bring it back to that discussion i was having with my two friends. as a result of talking about sexual activity, who we could never do such a thing with, and the difference between a boy's boy smell and a girl's apparent unique taste, my brain went off on some random tangents later when i was alone and just dozing off to sleep.

i really despise having mini-"revelations" and not being able to properly put them into words, but here goes.
so what i've discovered is that i have absolutely NO conscious ability to attract males in a more than just friendly manner. i'm probably even worse uncounsciously. i'm too honest, too loud, too uncoventionally feminine and unfeminine at the same time, and just incapable at non-friendly flirting. it always just comes out as cute and playful, like you were just fooling around 'flirting' with your friend for fun to make each other laugh because you know neither of you are interested in the other.

Sigh.

it's even worse when the person is older or firstly an acquaintance of one of my older sisters because then i am the little sister, even when they are only like, 3 years older and had they not known my siblings, would have the opportunity to be just as attractive as any other 18/19 yr old. but, being the little sis or whatever, i am safe, neutral, unnattractive, cute little kid material.
it sucks ass. (and sometimes gets you in trouble when the assholes decide to play tricks with you)

because, you know, it's great to socialize with those older than you, and amazing to be able to be friends with all the guys when i know that a lot of girls have difficulty with that, but sometimes, i'm just really fucking sick of it.
if i were in a book, it would end up with me getting the great guy (prolly some slightly geeky/attractive good guy with a bad boy edge who makes me look inside myself for some inner worth or some shit like that. not to say that i don't find those guys attractive, but i don't know if i want the stereotype just for conventional purposes. as i mentioned, i am a little unconventional. and crazy.)

but this isn't a book, it's a cruel, usually unfair world, and it is brutal and annoying and tiring me out. it's not like i've been actively looking for someone and am ready to give up, but the fact that no one has seemed to notice or mention anything or put some interest forward in this my 18th year of life is pissing me off. i didn't realize i was so unnattractive. it's not like i'm a recluse and never meet anyone, that is about the opposite of me. but whatever, i'm not going to fight nature.

unless nature says i;m to be a nun, then i will say hell no.

so yeah. makes me mad, makes me sad, makes me wonder, but you know, whatver will be will be.
(i just wish i had the ability to help that 'whatever' along....)

too far?

so a lot of ppl i know are pregnant or have a kid because they were recently pregnant. i'm talking about ppl under twenty years old. some are married, some are not (the married ones, i applaud you, but will talk more about you)
some are engaged. some are single. some are in relationships.

i have them all on facebook.

i wondered if it could be an interesting experiment in just human observation to, even after i probably won't talk to these people very often, observe how their lives go, according to what they display on facfebook (beleive me, i beleive they would tell all--whoops, i just spelled believe wrong twice...too lazy to fix it)

basically i am going to stalk them i guess...only it's legal cuz it's on facebook, haha.

seriously though, having grandmothers who married young and went in two totally different directions, i wanna see how this plays out. i know it will take years, but i don't plan on dying soon, unless i get the swine flu somehow...(oops, i mean, H1N1) ;)

i wanna see who gets married, divorced, engaged or becomes/stays single.

loving psychology and some sociology and a general observer and safeguarder of all...this is just up my alley. maybe i should write some report on it someday (if i liked writing reports...i just have to trick myself into thinking its just some random useless journal entry.)

i wonder if any of my friends, or ppl in general, are thinking the same or something similar to me.

or am i just incredibly creepy?

i am not doing it to intrude upon their lives.

still, too horrible to do?

school...makes you do things

so while looking up entrance necessities for the various schoools I want to attend, I realized that I am going to have to do a lot of writing. Like I am going to have to get back in that habit of writing every day. Which is good and bad. Writing is a love of mine, yes, but it can be incredibly hard to fit it into my schedule; I am so tired all the time.
But this is my future we're talking about here, so I guess I'll just have to make an exception.
And of course the new laptop should help
(ps-when getting your nails done, consider whether or not you will still be able to type on your laptop keyboard. it can very hard. damn you events+my girlish likes=get nails done when you really don't actually need them.)

something nice: I kind of sort of understand torrents now, so that means virtually unlimited fall out boy for me. I fall in love with them all over again every day.
for those of you looking to hear some cool music, check these songs out somewhere:

• pavlove-fall out boy
• i don't care (machine shop remix)-fall out boy
• america's suitehearts (south rakkas remix)- fall out boy
• golden-fall out boy
• lullabye- fall out boy

(the acoustic versions are good too)

• bounce- the cab
• one of those nights- the cab
• the fear- lily allen
• fuck you- lily allen
• cookie jar- gym class heroes
• hands down- dashboard confessional
• the city is at war -cobra starship
• damn you look good and i'm drunk (scandalous)-cobra starship [HILARIOUS]
• simple, starving to be safe- daphne loves derby

ooooo-wOOOOO-oooooo (it's supposed to sound like a ghost)

so...the other day I realized God has this sense of humour I don't appreciate :(
I went to get the mail, and as I open the door, there are two women on the porch.
FML. *sigh* They hadn't even knocked yet.
So, I knew they were Jehova's Witnesses.
Not that I have anything against JW's, it's just that, I have seen them come to my parent's door so many times, and I really don't want to change my faith...I just didn't want to deal.
*sigh*
of course, my upbringing didn't allow me to be impolite. They were two nice looking young women, and they really didn't deserve a bad attitude for simply doing what they believed in. so I shook both their hands.

It really wasn't that bad. we talked for a couple minutes about their beliefs vs. my beliefs. they gave me a pamphlet. they weren't pushy, like I have seen before. And I have to admit, the woman I was talking to had a really good combination of eyeshadows on; I wanted to rush to the store right then and there so I could buy the colours to copy her look. LOL.

anywhoo....I told them I'd look over the pamphlet and they asked if they could stop in again to talk about (luckily, Mona had been wheeling by on her bike, so the ladies knew I was busy :D) it. I said sure...but that I might not be in if they called again, I have lots on my agenda (they knew I'm the nanny cuz i told 'em)

and then they left :)
it wasn't really so bad. true. and it could've been worse (still, no offense to the JW"S of the world). it could've been two old men. that would have made me very uncomfortable (old men in general talking to me when I'm alone just makes me uncomfortable...).

but. yeah. that's the scoop. I haven't read the pamphlet yet. maybe someone will accidentally throw it out...or maybe if they come again I will be in the shower or at the movies (fingers crossed).

lol, i realize this sounds really hateful towards Jehova's Witnesses. It's not supposed to be! I am sure that other religions sometimes push your buttons, just like some push mine. I respect your beleifs, however, I do not hold your same value system. and, in reality, I don't judge a person on their religion, but on their values as a person and how they behave. so I don't care what your religion is, as long as it's not demoralizing, human sacrifical or demands you take down other religions. OK?