Little Rant.

It's not fair. There are some really good people out there, and they are so innocent. The worst shit happens to them, and they are the least to deserve it.

You try to laugh about it, but it's not funny and you don't know how to avoid the situation. You want to cry with them, but that's not what they need. What they need is justice.

It's so frustrating that the world is so imbalanced. That the undeserving of the world get what the deserving are supposed to have. They get it without asking. They get it and they can't even handle it.

This isn't about money. This is about life.

Am I beating an old drum? I don't care, it's new to me. Or, at least, it's newly annoying because I have access to everyone in this unbalanced karmatic equation at my fingertips. I can't play God, and I don't like it.

All I can do is watch over and do my best to help. I can give advice, I can give examples, I can sympathize, I can empathize, I can get angry.

But I can't make it right, and it hurts so bad.

People in the world are so jaded, I can't stand it. I don't understand why they have to be so pessimistic all the time. The world doesn't always suck.

Maybe if you just had realistic expectations, and worked your way around the roadblocks, instead of waiting for everything to be handed to you on a silver platter, then you'd realize the world isn't out to get you.

Life's not perfect, and the sooner you realize that, the better.

Until then, Stop whining.

(You'd think people living in a city would have realized this by now.)

please stay tuned to our normal broadcast. This is just a filler ^_^

V-I-R-G-I-N

I keep seeing people say thank god it's the end of Movember.

(If you don't know, Movember is a mixture of November and Mustache, because hockey players use the month of November as the part of the season they grow mustaches.  I think it's dumb.)

I don't really care, all it means for me is that I have to spend money on monthly payments now.  Damn. 

Most awkward interview ever?  I'm sorry, but I personally think both of these women are idiots, although Paris has a bit more potential because I've seen her act smart.  She's not Jessica Simpson.

I've actually watched an interview where Lady Gaga said the only thing she would look for in a guy is a big dick.

Ummm.  I find that kinda gross. Sorry :)  Actually, I think I just find her gross in general.  I give her kudos for creativity and all that, but she's just a little bit strange up there.  Maybe it was the bow of hair on her head--pulled a few too many cells to their limits. 

Her music videos are creepy, her songs are all about the same thing, she doesn't need the money, and she sounds like what I imagine a large lizard would sound like if it could sing.  At least she can play instruments and whatever, but her dancing and the outfits look like rejects from an old Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers fight sequence, and she and her posse of metrosexual/overly sexually charged males are the bad guys. 

Weekends are always best random.

My random led me to winning a bluetooth, having a new camera, and finding ten dollars, as well as receiving free food a few times.  Yum.   Random also leads to unexpected circumstances, and in my case, this includes rides from people you would least imagine, things you didn't know you would do, and becoming, once again, the fulcrum of social situations. 

I have started to consider putting condensed versions of these situations on here for reference and examples to others. 

I just don't get why others can't find it as simple. 

 

Topher Grace

Did you know you can stretch a pair of shoes to fit your feet up to a size larger by using ice? It's true. Oh, the wonders of YouTube.

Yesterday I was talking about women's bodies today, and how it is frustrating if you're not the norm.
Sometimes, it's interesting to look at your own reaction when you see someone in a position of popularity, and they don't look at all like what is typical for their role. For instance, this music video garners a lot of negative and positive comments. The positive are 98% for the music quality (it's nearly the same live, too!) while the negative are all about the lead singer's deviance from what most female frontrunners look like.
I like the video and the song.
I wonder if Mama Cass went through any of the same sorts of things.

Some things irk me. One of them are people on facebook who are looking for "a relationship".

These people are either: Ugly, prepubescent girls, hopeless romantics, teenage boys who just want pussy, creepy, or lack self esteem. Or all of these (well, minus being two different sexes).
Even my best friend isn't looking for "a relationship", and she's as HR as they come. (her older brother, on the other hand, is, but that is expected as he is very sweet but seems kinda sketch.)

I wish these people would stop.
You aren't going to find a relationship if you can't get yourself away from your facebook page, and don't stop trying but failing to flirt over fb chat (which fails connectivity wise half the time anyways, so it's almost like a double fail).
And trust me, people who try to get you to date them over facebook are very annoying, very creepy, and very desperate.
I've had this one guy on my tail for over a year, and I just can't shake him off. I suppose I should just delete him, but aside from the trying to date me thing, he's just fine.
sigh

I have thought that perhaps my writing is either too unconventional, too harlequinesque, too teenage, too adverb filled, or perhaps all of these together.
I still enjoy doing it though.
But, I dug something out of the ashes from the underbelly of DeaDea's My Documents.
You decide.

Hpnotc

I'm gonna run a little commentary today, about women. This is all a result of the bus. Oh, how I love the bus. I have no idea if anything is medically or scientifically accurate, but I'm not a doctor or scientist, and don't give a fuck on that front, and also, in what I've seen, you don't have to have a certificate to have everyone believe whatever you say, just Charisma
(God, I love that word)

There was a woman, and she was clearly very pregnant. And she was also smoking.
I don't mind smokers, I'll even do it myself occasionally.
But you don't make your unborn baby smoke your smoke. You chose to smoke, not the baby.
Jerk.

Secondly, as I was sitting, nearly in tears over this mother, I saw this other girl standing outside the bus stop.
She seemed to me to be the epitome what our nation's women are today.

Small breasted from hormone filled food in giant portions of genetically modified protein and vitamins, screwed up estrogen and testosterone levels, as well as from evolution--lines of women having 1.2 children stopping the need for their endowments to be anything less than impressive.

At the same time, these women are filling their childless bellies with something else...so much alcohol that it leaves them with large beer bellies, or vodka, rum and wine bellies, complete with a large donut hole of a belly button overhanging store-torn jeans that don't fit their asses properly because they only go half way because, although their legs are thin enough, the bands won't go around the stretch-marked waist.

The woman's (the typical woman, not the like, 20% percent that fill magazines and the petite section at the mall) silhouette isn't much of a silhouette anymore. Their shadows look like a Picasso reject.

What does this all come down to?

Well, fortunately for me, my body IS proportionate. No, it's not the 130 lbs that is supposedly supposed to be normal for my height (BMIs, kiss my curvaceous ass), but everything's the right size for my size.
Thanks to a mother who hates hot dogs, non farm-fresh meat and produce, and many other old-school health delights, I have been blessed with the keeping of good genetics and allowed to grow my bosom to it's full extent which leaves others looking in jealousy or lust.
(haha, I really just went on a rant there, and it sounded good, so I'll keep it. I'm not really that full of myself.)
Thanks to my family, I've kept in relatively good shape and not fallen totally for the fast food, alcoholic, and muscle-inhibiting/belly-building birthcontrol ways of the rest of us.

Unfortunately, this makes shopping for clothes difficult.

Not long ago, going up a size literally meant they just moved the bust and hips up a size.

now, bust and hips stay the same. it's the belly that grows
(or stays the same but is made of lycra and spandex because some dumbass decided to bring leggings back into fashion and now everyone wants to look like a 1980`s TV workout instructor with matching "stomach flattening"--or not--tight and stretchy material.

This is difficult when you want to buy a dress or a nice shirt.
It's maddening when you have to put a piece of clothing back withing ten seconds of trying it on because right away it doesn't fit over that lovely, envy-producing bust of yours.
Annoying when you know it WOULD fit, if it didn't just have that huge pucker in the waist where your huge paunch is supposed to be, really making that dress into a bubble dress.
And it pisses one right off when the shirt isn't long enough because half the material is taken up by those lovely things on your chest.

It's annoying when you come out of the changeroom, and look like you've just had a work out because you've been wresting with an overpriced piece of polyester-cotten blend to get it back over those hills that they got stuck on and you realized, Shit, this isn't going to fit you.
(lol, maybe not so intense, but, it is frustrating. and angering, not depressing)

So what does one do? They go to the Plus section. But it doesn't matter, because there, everything is ugly and disgusting, because for some reason it seems like they want to make fat people depressed. And you really aren't that big anyways, you just wanted something for your boobs, but you now fail because you aren't three hundred pounds.

sigh

Well. that was my night.

What were my resolutions? Well, I'm tired, so I'll just give you this and be done with it. I think it's awesome. It's creepy and beautiful at the same time, and is one of the few videos I've seen that accurately describes how I feel when I listen to it (well, maybe not the last 20 seconds)

they're not too bad live either. (And this is as live as it gets) ;)

Alsace-Lorraine.

My issues from yesterday may not have been fully resolved, but they're getting better :)

I've found that I like cleaning a bit, but I have to have a list.

I like making lists almost as much as I like crossing things off of them.

I have a busy weekend coming, with things triple scheduled both days. Ack.

I have also considered making this blog come to good use.

I wish I had the capacity to turn it into an advice blog, or something about baking expertise, or child care, or political opinion or religious or something.

As it is, I have decided to make these resolves:

From now on, this blog shall have:

-one random fact each day.

-one awesome video link

-some tip/advice about something (prolly regarding baking or relationships, haha)

-a link to something I think you'd like to read ;)

As well as my normal Blathering and Cyptic Titles.

Chicken pot pie on a Sunday Night

I'm pissed off.

Not in really proactive way, more a depressing way (as is my nature).

I feel neglected, alone, forgotten, used and and completely misunderstood.

I don't meant this teen angst wise...

it's something I've felt before, a few years ago.

that got fixed, eventually, but it took a couple of those few years to do so.

It's weird though, because my life isn't that bad, I have a job and a living spot and family, you know.

But we always forget the things we take for granted when it actually matters.

Maybe it's just major PMS, but I doubt it, it doesn't seem to add up.

We'll see.

So Yesterday, so yesterday, I'm like a bird, I've already flown away

Yesterday was genuinely random.

I had a grumpy morning on msn, and also with one of the children (not at them, just with something she said). I had come back to visit the family for prayer group, and brought my standard snacks along, etc etc.

Now, before I'd ever nannied them, I'd gone to prayer group, and it was always established that I could sleep over every week after, since we started at nine, and ended at 11 or later.

One would assume that after I was done nannying, none of this would change.

So, when I woke up at 7:30, I went back to sleep, I had agreed to clean up the tea cups, at their mother's request, but I decided I could do it in half an hour or so, since I had not been able to fall asleep until 2:30, and I knew the cups would still be waiting for me.

When I went out later, the cups were cleared and there was nothing for me to do.

So I went back in the room with full intentions to continue typing my little novella, but wound up getting stuck in a sticky msn situation.

(but that's not what this blog is about)

While I was sitting there, doing this and that on the laptop, one of the girls came in.

She mentioned, essentially, that her mother said something basically to the extent of, "Deanna should not sit in there all day doing nothing, when she's here, she should do something to help out."

Umm, excuse me?

Okay, you start paying me again, and then I'll become your slave again.

Essentially, I'm not going next week. Not when I'm apparently only valued as a guest there if I bring treats and pick up small store items for them and clean their house and watch over her children while I'm there.

She picked the wrong day to say a selfish bitchy comment.

When I was on the bus travelling home, I wasn't feeling so good, so I stopped at the market and talked to my one friend who works there. He instantly made me feel better again! Yay! This was random item #1

#2 comes from being on the bus to go home, and then staying on it all the way to it's final destination to meet my cousin for an hour before I had to go babysit. hahah, I vented, he was happy to listen.

While I was babysitting, I checked my facebook, and found a whole conversation between him and another cousin of mine, who were talking about going to the mall. Since I was going to be done babysitting by then, I texted them to say I was coming too, since they thought I wasn't going to be able to make it.

I get on the bus, and, my cousin is on the same one (well, it figures, but I thought he would have taken either a different or an earlier one.) I also saw someone I went to high school with, but she was way at the front of the bus so I didn't say anything...

Get to the mall, and while walking with my two cousins and my cousin's friend, I see, again, my friend from the market, meandering with a few of his own! I waved, he waved back.

We went into a store, and I felt like my skin was being peeled off with acid, so I went outside of it in search of food with Dylan. I went to buy us burgers, and who do i see in like at the restaurant beside us? My friend, once again, but I didn't want to seem like I was stalking, so I didn't make myself noticeable.

When I got back to the table, all the sudden, my younger cousin, Dylan's little sister, showed up with a friend! they were going to a movie

(if you haven't guessed by now, my family is quite extensive)

When my other cousin and her friend went up to get food after us, we went too, and passed Nick, whom I then talked to for a couple minutes because he acknowledged me first.

Yay!

The night's randomness was completed by an impromptu sleepover, and a tranny on the bus that sat down across from me, and I had to avoid looking at because I would have laughed.

Birthday's are upon us all.

I had a good day today. It was full of goodness
(hence, it was a good day; isn't logic so logical?)
I made brownies right off--a brand new recipe that turned out well and the dishes didn't take too long.

And then I made plans to meet people, or at least meet people in the new future.

I realized, also, that though I would love to have children, I don't think having a baby is the best thing for me right now.
I couldn't support it.
(There's your random thought of the day.)

I went into a Subway tonight to buy something to eat, and there was a gigantic line. But, unfortunately for me, I didn't have too many options, and I feel less full of grease after Subway than something like KFC (which was pretty much my only other option).

Anyways, when I was there, waiting in the long, long line a guy I went to highschool with came in through the back entrance, and as he passed me, went "What's up" in a really hurried way.

I felt like giving him a kiss, because I felt like a hug wouldn't be enough.
I wanted to take that boy in, and mother him and feed him.
He was wearing a leather jacket, that had once looked new and shiny, but was now getting worn out (not in a bad way, jackets do that, but, as if he wore it all the time). As he passed me, he smelled of cigarettes; not stale, but new.
And what did he buy at the counter?
Smokes, of course.

His face was thin; he used to be robust and if he had been skinny before his addiction started, he would have looked emaciated.
He was always tall, but now he seemed taller due to his unhealthy weight loss.
There were circles under his eyes, he looked tired.

The boy would be good looking, but he had a sickly aura that would make you want to pity him.
He would be adorable, but he lost that innocence when he took that first hit.
He would be fun to hang around with, if you weren't afraid he'd changed so much.

He would be great to get to know again,

if you weren't worried you didn't want to know.

Octogénaire

So, I had my first shift yesterday afternoon.

My mind is blown at how the world works out sometimes.

Lately, I'd been wondering, you know, if God really cares, if I'd been left in a ditch, if my last job turning out the way it did was some kind of punishment.

Well, I don't know about the latter of that sentence, but I'm sure God cares.

(I'll explain in a bit)

So, work went well. I got taken care of right away with a new shirt (too big, they'll have to order one my size) and whether I would prefer King's Buffet or East Sides for the Christmas dinner.

All of my fellow employees are really friendly, from whom I've met so far. All the guys are adorable in their own way.

One of them, for some inexplicable reason, reminds me of Benicio Del Toro, which means he will have a special place in my heart, lol.

Another one went to a high school, surrounded by fields, and not too far from the one I went to. He also has an eyebrow piercing that actually works, and is really friendly and adorable. He's in aisles. I think we might get along.

The break room is fantastic. Tables, large comfy chairs that were returned for having some scrape or another, a computer that can connect to facebook, sketchy lockers, a fridge, microwave, sink and plastic cutlery and tupperware in the cupboards, and a giant flatscreen TV complete with a mini bookshelf full of DVD's and box sets of such classics as Family Guy and the Simpsons.

Of course I made a few mistakes. Last time I worked at a Staples, I worked there for nearly a year, but then I took a huge break in between, so I need to remember things.

As a whole though, I don't think I did too badly.

There was a big mixup with someone's in-store credit deferral. The associate who was helping the lady with her purchase literally went "NOOOOOOO!" when I pressed the enter button to print out her reciept; I thought it was all done.

Apparently it wasn't, and it took fifteen minutes of embarrassment on my part, confusion on the customer's part, and much typing and printing and phone calling on the manager's part.

I apologized profusely, and she said it was okay. It was a simple mistake, and no money was lost. I just have to be more careful

Then again, it was my first shift, sooooo....

I have that immunity ;)

Here's the bit where not being abandoned by the Big Guy above comes in.

I left the building at the end of the night, and walked to the bus stop. Turned out the bus wasn't going to come for about half an hour, and it would have been almost ten o'clock when that happened, which would mean I would have to take an eleven o'clock transfer home or bust. Or call a taxi, but I don't like taxi's late at night.

I walked to the Tim Horton's, bought an extra large coffee to last me the wait, and walked to a different stop. When I got there, I found out another bus I hadn't known of was coming to the stop in two minutes!

I thanked my stars, and when I stepped on that bus grabbed a schedule. It said it was due to arrive at the terminal two minutes before my transfer bus.

I hoped it would arrive there in time. I nearly peed myself in anxiety (although, it could have also been the coffee I suppose), constantly looking at the time. When we neared the terminal, I stood up, ready to pounce out of the bus and run for dear life to catch my bus.

We drive into the terminal...

I'm ready to go....

And the bus...

Drives right into the spot where my transfer bus was supposed to be!

My bus, the 11, turned into the 15 when it got to the terminal!

DEANNA WINS!

I felt a giant wave of relief flood over me. I would be home in ten minutes.

Life is also good because my uncle is awesome. He told me to leave food on the counter if I have an afternoon shift, and he would cook it for me in time when I got home. heart!

He also told me he could pick up anything at the grocery store.

And when I mentioned, well, what does he want for rent, I found out I am getting it at a giant deal. Basically a third of normal rent prices, and I know he wouldn't let me barter to give him more.

Family rules :)

Staples.

I have my first shift at work tomorrow, I'm sort of excited.

At the same time, I'm almost not looking forward to it. When I've started a job, I become a work-a-holic (family trait, haha), but when I don't have one, I get incredibly lazy and the last thing I want to do is anything but social events and sleep.

Well, I've got the social events down over this weekend, and I've gotten plenty of sleep, so now I've just got to suck it up.

I feel, this week, for my friends who have parental issues.
My parents are pretty okay, and I've always been the "rebel" in my family so I know how to handle them, and I've taken my metaphorical beatings to learn my lessons, and I'm fairly independent by now and therefore have less issues with them.
I don't owe anything to them other than to be present at family events and to give them the genuine love I will feel for them.
I make my own money, and find my own way from life, and use them sometimes as guidance or reference, but I pretty much do it all myself.

I think back to when I wanted my parents to go to the parent teacher interviews at school (they did once, lol), or whenever I would go to a friends house, or live with other people
there was one thing that I seemed to want, and still seem to want

I want my parents to be told,
"that girl of yours, she's a good one
she's independent and works hard, a good kid,
she does just fine on her own, doesn't she?"

Maybe I feel like I have something to prove, maybe I feel like I didn't get enough attention before, and now I want that attention to be directed to my parents in the form of, Look what you missed in your stupidity.
(in all honesty, I felt they were rather stupid sometimes regarding me in past years, something that I dealt with by either being totally honest with them, or just not telling them anything at all purposely, which always gives fascinating results.)

I just hope that my friends figure out the best way to handle their parents as well.
I am at peace because I've found a balance.
I wish that they find their's, and life becomes less miserable on that point.

I hope they are honest with themselves, and get it all sorted out
:-]

La Valse d'Amelie.

Wow, today was kinda exhausting.

I did some babysitting this afternoon. The kids are adorable, and so much simpler than what I'm used to. They remind me of kids who I used to babysit in grade eight (the elder one is now in grade nine! I feel soooo old).
I got to be a princess! and a Queen. It was the elder girl's idea. Apparently all royalty does is sit there while they are piled with blankets and pillows and given play food and told to have naps (I quite enjoyed being told to have a nap).

The exhausting comes in to play when I walk to the bus stop at 8:15 pm, and find out the next bus won't be coming until 8:47...
So what does an impatient girl who loves to walk do?
She walks all the way to the bus terminal in the freezing cold and dark.
I may be an idiot, but I am a well exercised one ;)

even if I had taken the bus though, I still would have been late for my transfer. So I frantically found out what else I could take so that I wouldn't have to wait until 10:00 pm...and it was only 9 o'clock.
So I found a bus that would get me as close to my final destination as I could, and when I got to the stop, I went into the nearby grocery store and bought myself muffins, hot dogs, and chocolate milk.

Damn,
I hadn't had chocolate milk in a while. My CMW-ishness came back to me reallllly quickly.
I then walked another 25 minutes to get home.

But I made it!
And my Uncle told me there was supper left for me in the fridge.
I don't know if you know how this feels, but I feel pretty incredible to find deliciously seasoned chicken, potatoes, gravy and corn waiting to be simply reheated and then devoured at 10 pm.
I felt so taken care of, and I never have to ask to be fed, it's just simply done.
I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone. It's great.

I simply completed the meal with some strong coffee, and by the time I was finished, was so full I almost understood why bulemics do what they do.
My family knows how to fill a stomach, hahaha.

And it's so quiet here, and relaxing. I can repose in the glow of my laptop, Hikaru, rest my legs on the table in front of me where I sit on this comfy couch, and breathe in the smell of calm house, cigarello, and coffee. The filter in the fish tank makes a comforting, consistent noise to break the silence and leaves it non-deafening.
I checked all my facebook updates, and they left me happy. I look forward to a weekend filled with things that will not want to make me bash my head on a metal countertop.

I am content.
All I need now is a cat.
Hmmm.

Colours of the Wind.

I don't normally write two blogs in one day...but it's been almost twelve hours since the last one, and my mind is overflowing today because I haven't written them in so long.

Interesting night. I had decaf coffee because everyone else wants to sleep tonight. It tasted the same to me, but it didn't matter whether or not it was decaf, as the caffeine doesn't affect me anyways.
I wonder if that will be a problem in university...
and engergy drinks just fill my bladder with unnecessary swiftness.

I keep finding out about social events that apparently I am supposed to be part of, but I am being informed about them way too close to their dates of occurance than I am comfortable with.
Normally I don't mind, it's just these ones are conflicting because of the short notice, so it's kind of frustrating.

I'm starting to get tired...I woke up early this morning and have been going since then.
does decaf have the opposite effect as caf, and make you tired instead of energized?

something I've realized, I really like colour. if you've been following my blod, you realize I've changed the colours a bit every so often.
I love colour!
simple. lol. but it had to be said.

hmm.
writing.
I'm going to get back to my new idea, and keep typing it.

Upon the Crosses.

It's Remembrance Day in Canada. I always have had a sort of special affection for this day. I think I knew it was really important for the first time when I was little and still home-schooled. It was November 11th and we all stood for a moment of silence at 11:00 am, and my mom started crying. When my mom cries, I know it's something important, as heartless as I can be towards her at times.

I think I figured out how grateful I was to everyone who had helped out in those wars the year that I nearly started bawling myself during Oh Canada in a Remembrance Day Assembly in high school.

Since then, I've found out family history reasons that I can especially be proud and thankful on this day, but I don't feel like crying anymore, I just feel pride.

In a country where we are known for our niceness and peace keeping and humbleness, I think it's good to have times of Pride. And I don't mean that in the Toronto Parade in June kinda way ;) lol.

onto other things.

My internet was being so screwed up, but it looks like it's fiiiiinally fixed up.

I am pleased, hence, writing a blog!

And I'm baking again.

I feel safe baking because I know that I will have the funds coming in to pay for ingredients; I have a job! Yay!!!

I feel victorious.

I also realized something while riding on the bus yesterday.

Recently, my life has been full of darkness, metaphorically. My blogs and journal entries were depressing, dark, and distressing. My poetry and prose were angry and sad.

Darkest before the light?

(I smell beer somewhere, I think I'm going crazy)

Perhaps. Because things are looking a lot more up. I got a job within two days of walking in to the place, I can keep baking, I have stores nearby and easy access to things, I am warm, I have a place to live for not very much a month, I am going to have days filled to the brim, I have writing ideas, I have family I can see, and friends I can talk to. I have free laundry.

I get tons of sleep in a room that stays clean because there's no one to mess it up and I'm not so exhausted I can't clean it.

I have a blog to vent my anger.

I have a family I used to nanny, who still love me and have kids who won't let me go everytime I see them now.

You have to go through bad times or there would be nothing to differentiate them from the good.

sounds philosophical? sappy?

I don't really care, I'm just glad I don't feel like the world is crashing down on my head anymore.

(let's make this really conclusion, informal essay like)

Lest We Forget...

On this Remembrance Day, I remember that there were men and women who went through a lot worse than I did every day for half a decade, twice.

They helped make it so that I can experience these good times, and it's up to me, like them, to fight the bad ones.

so much to saaaaay-ay-ay-ay, mmm, but so little tiii-mmmuh

(Lol, the title of this post is to be sung to the tune of the "Watcha Say" song on the radio that is a rip-off of the awesome Imogen Heap song, "Hide and Seek".)

So. There really is a lot to say, it's almost daunting to me how much I feel I will have to cram into this blog.

First thing's first. I finally am connected to the Internet! Yes, I am at my Uncle's house, all my stuff in and whatnot, and I have finally acquired the wireless' password, so I am content.

It was interesting moving all my things. I realized that I have a ton of stuff when all boxed up, but as I was putting it away, I realized that it wasn't really unreasonable stuff. I mean, as I rifled through it, emptying the boxes, I kept an eagle eye out for things that I could get rid of/sell. Aside from some books, there really wasn't anything. I guess as you get older, you just accumulate things, and since I've kind of been on my own (not living in under my parent's roof that is) for just over two years, I've been gathering things to fill a house. Things that I need to survive on my own, without people purchasing for me or that I would have to share.

I had serious emotional cold feet on Tuesday night, however, when my friends left after helping me cart boxes into the house. I felt really alone. I wanted a mommy (my Aunt died almost six years ago, so there isn't a mother figure in this house anymore), or a sister, or something. I realized that I really mostly wanted some additional femininity in the house, but I would have taken another guy too. Not that I mind my Uncle, it's just that I wanted a third person to bounce off of.

But, as I went to sleep that night, I tossed and turned. I had the oddest feelings inside of me. I actually wanted a doll, or a teddy bear, or a sleeping companion; either something that I could hold to reassure myself, something to take care of and take the focus off of me, or someone that would hold onto me, and I could just lose myself and my worries in them, and sleep peacefully.

Neither of these were to be found.

I'm better now, and I will get more, day by day, as I work myself into a routine.

I think what the problem is is, I don't know the routine. I don't know who makes dinner, who cleans dishes, who vacuums, who does the garbage and recycling...

I'll get used to it though, things are already starting to fall into a pattern.

As I went out today to buy a USB cable for my printer from Staples, I realized that I will soon be able to get a hang of the bus systems, they're really not so difficult! For that I am glad.

I also had some fortuitous meetings at Staples, and let's see if I can't get myself some employment there ;)

I don't really know what else to say, but that I miss my friends, and I want to see them again soon! This should hopefully be made easier by my new internet access.

Also! I bought some new pillows today, and cases for them.

Pillowcases are expensive!!!!!

Why?

2 pillowcases that look like any other pillowcase and are just regular sized were more than the two pillows I was covering with them!

And I needed to buy two sets of pillow cases!

They better last a loooooong time. Or somebody's gonna get yelled at.

a deep craving for applesauce.

so, this may not come as a surprise, but, once again, I cannot believe the gall of the children's mother (yes, I am still not moved out yet...more on that later).

Last night, I walked into the kitchen because I could finally move around without fear of fainting or having major muscle spasms in my legs. I was going to make some soup, but I found ice cream and I was rather hot, so I chose the ice cream.

One of the children was frantically whining to her mother, asking when she would get the h1n1 vaccine in the house to give to them (as their mother is a doctor, she is allowed to give the kids the shot herself). The mother said that she tried, but the nurse said that they were only giving them out first to pregnant/breastfeeding women and the elderly. She sounded pissed about it, like her daughter had more right to the vaccine than a pregnant woman. Her child nearly started screaming."I'll try again, maybe I'll get a more sympathetic nurse"

cue sound of a record stopping abruptly *rrrrrrrrrrrRRR!*

more sympathetic nurse?

The fuck woman!

now, as you know, I am not an advocate for and I do not really condone the flu shot of any sorts.however,I do feel angry about this.

The fact that this woman would say something like this, in the tone of voice she used, like the nurse was crazy to refuse her the vaccine and that her family deserved it more and just...garh!!!!

I mean, I am sorry, but I am quite sure that your 12 year old daughter, who plays sports year round, eats a ton, gets plenty of sleep and water and is allowed to lounge in her pj's all day will be able to tough it out a lot more than a pregnant woman, who not only is trying to keep herself from being sick, but also an unborn human baby who hasn't had the chance yet to build up an immune system because he/she hasn't even taken a breath of outside air yet.

I just couldn't stand the arrogance.

I wonder, perhaps, if the nurse had told her they were only giving the vaccines out to Sheltie dogs at the moment, whether their mother would have been so upset.

Sorry, Sweetie, but the Shelties need their vaccines too. We'll get yours as soon as they're done.

as a side note. I plan on moving today!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!! let's hope nothing goes wrong. as it is, I have to lay down every 20 minutes or so so that I don't get exhausted.at least I'm not really sick any more!!!

and, at least I've already had this stupid virus, so no one can come after me with a vaccine....

scandalous! pt II

This blog had to be a two parter because my brain started to die near the end of the one last night.
I was going to talk about the weekend.
It was fun, I went to my sister's hallowe'en party on Friday. I invited some friends along, and they told me that they had an amazing time and thanked me for inviting them.
This was really a relief. I am a little bit of a control freak sometimes, and I always feel it is my duty to make sure, that if I invite people somewhere, that they have a good time. If I think they had a bad time, I failed.

What I realized, upon reflection, was that not once during the night did I ask them if they were having a good time, or asking them if they needed something, or made sure that they were getting along with everyone else. They were doing just fine on their own, and it was such a relief.

On Saturday night, I went to a different movie/hallowe'en party, and it was good also, except for the fact that I really started coming down with my illness (I call it illness because I'm really not sure what the hell I'm sick with; I imagine it is a flu of some sort), and I think I got my one friend sick.
(Although, if you knew him, you would find it rather funny how he got sick and almost poetic justice.)

When driving home that night, two of my friends started having a....discussion in the van.
I know that friendships aren't always daisies and rainbows, but I think both of them were being a bit silly.
If either of them read this, they can know that that is my opinion, and that they should work it out pronto before it gets worse because I don't want to have to deal with it, I am too sick and I think you are both being a little insensitive.

I am supposed to be moved in to my Uncle's tonight, but I don't know if that is going to happen.

newsflash it is currently about 12.30, just after lunchtime. Two of the kids just came in to see how I'm doing. This would be the first time someone has come in here to see if I'm alive since...well about nine o'clock last night.
Yay, I feel special.
The one mentioned something about his mom, but I didn't quite catch it, and he didn't repeat it. I don't know what he was talking about, but it gave me a bad feeling. I'll have to dig it out of him later. If she has some kind of whacked up thoughts against me for getting sick, I don't quite think I will know what to do.

scandalous! pt I

My head hurts. I am coughing less than I was this morning and my throat isn't sore.
My legs hurt. Everytime I get goosebumps on them, each one feels like an individual needle pricking into my skin.

So, obviously as you can tell, I am sick. It started coming on about three days ago or so, and all hell broke loose in my body today.
Just some of the loverly things that I was able to experience today were:
sweating enough to drench my whole body and bed and make my pyjamas feel like I had jumped in a pool;
nearly blacking out when I attempted to have a bath;
not being able to move my limbs without extreme pain;
being really hungry because no one came to my room til about 3 pm, and I didn't get food til about 7...

I don't mean to be a pity party. It just sucks.
I was saved though, when my lovely darling of a friend came over with ginger ale, soup, and peppermint tea once she was informed of the situation.

I am glad I'm feeling a bit better though, because I was going insane trying to fall asleep. There was tons of noise outside my door and window, random things kept going through my brain, I was worrying about everything...

I think I know that I am feeling better though, most because I want to eat all of my halloween candy right now, haha.
this is all rather unfortunate though, because I had planned on doing a lot of packing today.