I don't like the taste of their morality

I understand that perhaps, I made a couple people concerned yesterday with my post.
But, I can't say that I wish I could take back the post, I feel fathoms better for getting it off of my chest.

As I type this, I can hear the children's mother talking to people outside of my room, I know it must be about my near departure from this house. I wonder what excuse they are using, but there are too many other voices for me to be able to decipher what exactly it is she is saying. I can simply hear my name being used repeatedly.

She tried to convince someone today that immunizations (that is, things like the flu shot) should be taken by everyone, and that it angers her when people refuse, and basically she thinks all of these people are idiots.
I'd like her to talk to my mother on the subject. I always like to see my mother kick some one else's ass. Especially when I can't stand the other person.
I've never had a flu shot in my life, and here I am, living in a house where during the past week, half of them have caught H1N1, and they always get the flu shot and all that shit. Their mother does it herself.

And who, the one who deals with the kids the most, appears to have NOT caught this illness?

Moi.

Hahaha.

I am excited for my weekend. My costume is coming together. I just have to organize rides.

Oh, and my room.
Gah. I would love to do it, but I have no time.
And no boxes.
I should at least get it ready to be packed.

Hmm. maybe tonight.

I thought I'd make everyone feel better with a little bit of a nicer poem than last night.
I don't know why this one came to me, but it did, and I like it. I hope you enjoy.

And in the Crush of the Dark, I'll be your Light in the Mist.

The title of this particular post is from a song called "Tigerlily" by the artists La Roux. That Light is a person I wish I could have in my life, but I don't know who they are.

I have been up and down emotionally today, even though the day wasn't too bad.

It was one of those days when asked, I will say it was just "okay", not because it was demanding with kids or things didn't get done, but because my emotions have been toying with me in a way that I cannot blame on hormones.

I've been up and down more times today than a new yo-yo in the hands of an excited eight-year-old boy.

I was also angered by the fact that I have no one to cry to, and reminds me that I never really did.

I have honestly, I believe, never had someone that I just came to and talked and cried.

I think sometimes also, that this reason is simply because I don't trust people that way. And this is due to the fact that I don't think that they can understand.

They don't get the fact that my life sucks, and when they try to understand, the way they talk is completely different from what I'm feeling, and it just makes me feel worse. They don't understand how dark I feel inside, how isolated, they don't know how hollow their words seem sometimes, even though I know they mean it, and it's simply because my mind won't allow myself to believe them.

I understand their encouragement.

I understand everything happens for a reason. But in my life, the only fucking reasons I can see, are reasons that lead me to a worse shit situation than before. I've looked. I've read diary entries. My life sucks.

I don't even feel bad about just putting it out in the open like this. I don't care what it sounds like, I simply couldn't compress it anymore. I don't feel like I'm self pitying myself, that's how bad it's gotten. I'm upset, and depressed, and sad, and fucking angry.

I'm angry at my family, at God, at the people who make my life horrible, and I'm angry at myself for making mistakes that there was no possible way to avoid, as if I could have known different at the time.

I can try poetry, but it barely helps. It just makes me want to fall asleep. and I don't know if anyone could understand.

**I apologize for the ridiculously awful picture of myself. It was taken awhile ago when I was feeling something similar to as I am now. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't think my blog had enough space for that anymore, so this was just something I needed to do to get my emotions out.

Aino

I had a somewhat interesting weekend. I had a couple of laughs at a family dinner that I went to yesterday.

My Grandma, a woman in her 70's, started applying lipstick after dinner, and my older sister, always being the way she is, says "Oh, Gramma, you don't need that, you're pretty just the way you are".

My Grandmother makes a pfft face and rolls her eyes, half smiling. "I don't want to be pretty," she says, in a joking tone that reminded me so much of my own father, "I just want to be kissable!" and she puckers and makes a kissy face

I could not contain my laughter.

Later, talking to my Aunt, my dad's older sister (he's the middle child), she asked me how nannying was going and if I was still doing it. My sister asked me if I told her I was almost done, and my aunt perked her ears in way to say, "Oh? What's this?"

And my sister said that the family was having financial problems, which my aunt nodded to, as everyone is having them nowadays, and my sister then said that I was house hunting.

"HOUSE hunting?!" My Aunt says. I let her know it was more of a find-a-person/place-to-live-with/in hunting dealio. She nodded, and I made a joke that maybe I should just find someone and marry them and live in their house.

"Mmmhmm, you'd have to find yourself a Sugardaddy," she said in a really cutesy voice and an all knowing look, and my sister and I laughed.

"Well, that's what you'd have to do nowadays to find anyone rich."

Even though it was a joke, it was semi true, and I find this hilarious coming from my 62 year old aunt.

So, not a bad weekend overall. I even got to shoot some pool, which I love to do, even if I'm not that good.

Last night I visited with a friend I haven't seen for a bit because she was on vacation. Unfortunately she got called in to work, but not before we bought some cheese strings! (And me some ginger ale) I think I've had six today. They are so delicious.

This morning, some of the kids mentioned the fact that I wouldn't be back after hallowe'en. So I guess my leaving is out in the open now.

I'm glad my mom called her brother for me, I hopefully will be staying with him now.

I'm a little bit happier now because of all this. The kids' mother gave me a whole ton of extra bedding today, including nice feather pillows and a duvet.

I just hope the bed I will be sleeping in is a double, or else I'll be sad because I have my eye set on a set of sheets that I love a lot... :P

Scooby, Scooby-Doo, Where are you?

I've been going on a downloading binge over the past couple of days. It will be difficult to remember all of the movies I had before my hard drive crashed.

The weekend is here and my rather stressing week has come to a close.

The kid's dad has been asking me a few questions as to what I have been doing regarding apartments and job search, so I'm finally glad someone's talking out loud about it. Although, I still don't know if the kids have caught on. Usually these things are discussed when they aren't around, or aren't really paying attention, but that is normal. I hope they get told this weekend though; it would seem logical to tell them before my last week starts.

I get really annoyed with people touching my stuff without asking. I've been almost pushed to my limit this week.

Actually, maybe I should revise that. People using my stuff without asking.

Pisses me offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

This whole post probably doesn't seem very coherent. That's because my brain isn't being very coherent at all either. Hmm.

Apparently I have a dark and twisty mind inside. This has something to do with a comment a friend said about the poem I put a link to in my last post. Hmm.

I actually don't mind being dark and twisty. It's a personality type I'm rather good at fulfilling.

I miss my friends. I have no one around, and it seems really ironic that in my most stressful periods when I need someone to see to help kick it off, they physically can't be around.

I'm not angry, and I would never deny them their right to do whatever they want, and I know they can't possibly be around me all the time and they have to have their alone time too.

I am still just sad though. I should use this time to sleep. I would, if I could.

Found my old saved résumé today, almost finished revamping and filling in a three year gap.

Nice legs, Daisy Dukes, Makes a man go *wfhoot**wfhooo*

Ahhhh. I have just been having a really strange week.
I got stranded at the mall yesterday when my friends got hopelessly lost and we never met up. Oh well, got some early Christmas shopping in.

Went to check out another apartment today. Looked better than the last one. Hope it all works out...now I just need a job....

I got told I had a lovely voice tonight. It made me go rather embarrassed in the face.

I had a few mini revelations in the past few hours. My week has been chock full of those too.

This might be illuminating.

dr. pepper, fuzzy peaches.

There wasn't really much going on msn at the moment, so I decided to blog.
Murphy's Law, as soon as I start, people start chatting.
Oh well, I like people.

I like helping people with their problems.

I had some problems today. And I felt kind of overwhelmed. I almost started crying on the bus.
Not very impressive.

Now, I'm not saying that I use other people's problems and compare them to my own or make myself feel better about my own because of others.
I'm simply saying it helps put me in perspective, and reminds me there are people out there who value my opinion, and care about me, and my problems as well, the way that I care about their's. Maybe not in the same way, but the best way in our respective ways to help out.

I had a really interesting weekend I think.
Met a cute associate at Best Buy when he sold me my new iPod, watched a good movie and a bad movie in the theatre, waited forty minutes for food that should've taken ten and then I didn't have to pay for it, had the fire alarm go off for no reason, got a free movie ticket.
Met people I hadn't seen in a while. Checked out a mall after its renovation.

Missed people.

Today I felt little stress during the earlier day, but I didn't feel good when I was apartment hunting. Things aren't turning out as nicely as I'd like, and the searching process is wearing me out.
Still need to fix my resume. At least I think I can do that during lunch tomorrow.

I hope I can work up the effort to make cookies tomorrow morning, but I might just hit snooze over and over.

A Hookah smoking caterpillar

I was doing some research tonight about internet and cable. I figure if I am going to be living in my own house and by my own rules and be doing this as a result of an unfair and cruel world, I'm at least going to need some fucking unlimited downloading and all the tv I've been denied here.
Plus I'm going to have a lot more time on my hands, lol.

My sister and I tried to have a video chat over msn, and it was an epic fail. So we switched to Skype, which even then continued to fail us, so then we just went back to plain old typing our messages across our continental barrier.

I have a really boring weekend ahead of me. No one appears to be around. With two weeks left I wonder how the kids' parents are expecting me to do with my time on the weekends.

Oh, and interesting thing. I was looking up severance pay today. I should think it still applies, even if I've been privately employed and what not. A permanent lay off is still a lay off.
Basically, I should get a week's worth pay, plus my week's worth of vacation pay I still have left to use, which will equal 1000 dollars.
I also will need my last paycheque, which I am currently working towards.

I don't know what they're parents think I'm doing. I don't know if they realize I am apartment hunting, and job searching, and making lists of all the stuff I own that is crammed into this room of mine and categorizing it so that I can box it up all that sooner starting next week.
They don't know I plan to show them "accidentally" my tattoo soon before I leave, or maybe I'll let a kid "accidentally" find my pack of social drunkenness purpose cigarettes in my purse. Maybe I'll even drop an f-bomb or two or something just as verbally repulsive to this family.
Heeeee.
I don't know why all the sudden rebelliousness, I know it sounds absolutely childish, retarded and stupid.

Oh well. Expect this griping for the next two weeks.

Crossing The Rubicon

I got the sudden urge to blog.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to say. I'm sure something will come to me.

It's horrible that when I have the most to say, I feel the least inclined towards typing, and when I feel the most inclined, my ideas seem blocked at the edge of my mind, like that name you can't remember on the tip of your tongue.

Oh well, such is the story of my life.

I spent a little bit of today looking at apartments.

Looking for and finding and getting an apartment is easy. Making the money is so much harder. I don't know what I'm going to do for a job. I know that I have tons of qualifications, skills, and work ethic, etc etc, but that doesn't help me if there are no jobs to have.

The parents still haven't told the kids yet.

I wonder when they're going to work up the balls to do it. More and more I'm feeling how tough it's going to be on me to leave these kids. Even now, the youngest is making pacts with me. In the past two minutes we've established he'll be sleeping in my room tonight, and accomplished a buddy hug, a buddy kiss on the cheek, and a pinky swear to be buddies forever; him the main brain behind all these ideals.

God.

And I'm hungry. I really want like, a hamburger or something. Something comforting. Something that won't make me feel ill. Something to take this pit of anxeity, worry, grief and future financial insecurity away from me. Something that won't make me feel like I'm back to basics and desperate and alone and worthless and immature and just too damn young when I pull up my old résumé later tonight.

I wonder why, as I type this, why people actually read this blog. It's more like a whiny diary or journal than a blog. Blogs are supposed to be about something. They're supposed to contain information that helps people, I think. They aren't supposed to be so subjective. An opinion about something worthwhile, not just some sob story about a nineteen year old girl whose life decided to deal her a shitty hand.

The sadistic/masochistic/cynic part of me would like to say that it's because it makes other people realize that their lives are entirely better than mine, and that they read it because it makes them personally feel better.

Then the rational, ego part of me tells me to remember that there actually aren't enough people who actually read this blog to actually make that true.

It also wonders if there are enough people to even make it worthwhile.

Oh well. I need to vent. Especially since we've also become "cuddle buddies" now.

Only for two weeks though.

:-/

I'll have to start a countdown soon, I think.

That's the normal weaning process.

I just wish they could be told soon.

This Time, Baby, I'll be Bulletproof

So as I sit at the family's computer this morning at almost eight am, making up a grocery list for the week for everyone, I am graced by the presence of the children's mother.

Well, the buck stops here.

She told me that her and her husband had been discussing it, and, basically, finances weren't looking good.

So I am being let go at the end of the month.

No more nanny diaries for me... :P

This leaves me with about two and a half weeks to find alternative employment (she was gracious enough to let me know she would of course be a reference) and living situation.

To be quite honest, my first thoughts were toward the youngest three children (who even now are playing on the floor beside my bed with a slinky-turned-skip-rope as I type this).

The mother and father have not told their children yet.

I don't know how they'll take it. My sweet little ones may not want to accept it, especially the youngest girl. I don't know what her and her older brother are going to do when there is nobody around who will be on their side.

I don't know what the youngest will do when he has to go back to getting simply spoiled as a means of attention (he just gave me a noogie and buddy hug while saying he loves me--what are we going to do?)

My mother is not impressed by this at all. she says to make sure I get severance pay. all she could do over the phone was sigh, be perturbed and tell me to get moving on something as that`s all there is left to do.

I can't say this hasn't been on my mind all day as I've been working.

I'm distracted, don't feel very well, and can't find anything appropriate to eat (aka-bacon, egg mcmuffins and other greasy foods. all I have are liquorice allsorts and cranberry juice.)

I'm not actually quite sure how to handle this.

especially since one of the kids almost just read this blog, and he was always my favourite and one of my three youngest.

What will we do?

new layout...hmm.

Turkey!
well, my family ate Schnitzel, so we didn't have turkey over the Thanksgiving weekend...oh well.
It was still delicious.

I complained to my mom a bit about my situation, but it helped a little bit. She now knows that the family is ridiculous. My older sister found out that I help homeschool them; she wasn't aware that I did that before. (Although, I don't know what she thought I did...)
My mom told me to call anytime that I'm going through crap, but I probably won't. I can't call every 20 minutes.

Actually, though, today is going well. Minimal fighting, kids are on track for their school, and the laundry isn't overwhelming.

I had a sweet little surprise waiting for me on my newly made bed last night when I arrived home from my parent's house. I found a little cute envelope with a pencil written name on the back of it. I opened the tiny tightly sealed little thing and found a beautiful little card in it from a set I recognized as one given to the youngest girl a few days ago
Dear Deanna, I love you, Happy Thanksgiving Love Monica xo
(she'd even had to stroke out the first "t" a couple of times before she had got it right.)

I melted. I found her standing at the top of the stairs about ten minutes later, and gave her a hug. I love that child :)

As a sidenote, I found out that a scheme a friend of mine and I had been working on wasn't quite going to turn out as planned.
I talked it out with her for a little bit over the internet.
And, somehow, am now completely over it.
It's the fastest I've ever gotten over something in my entire life.

Something else I've noticed. We all know that each family and their houses' have their own distinct smell. Since I live with a different family, I've gotten used to theirs and never really noticed it anymore.
Something strange though. When I came back last night, I noticed it right away, strongly.
It's not a bad smell, in fact, I kind of like it, it's not a threatening one or one that brings up old childhood memories. It kind of reminds me of when I used to visit the house before I was a full timer here, and could still detect it.
I wonder if that is why I'm in less of a depressed mood today.

I have to get a new chair for my room.
and a new external hard drive. Mine went ka-put for no reason I can see other than it's defective.

You spin me right round. Pt 2

I can't sleep properly anymore.

I toss and turn and I wake up constantly.

And I'm dreaming again.

I like dreaming, in my life I find refuge in my dreams. I know I've had a good nap when I dreamed it it; it actually means I fell asleep.
I've been able to have one nap in the past three weeks.
An actual nap where I fell asleep and was left alone for more than five minutes. Not even ten, five.
And you can't get good sleep when you feel guilty and as if you haven't done enough during the day because the kids went to bed late and the parents don't seem happy.

It's going to drive me insane. I've tried falling asleep early. It doesn't work, I just stay awake, thinking, until I somehow drift off to sleep for two hours before waking up again, and repeat three times before waking up half an hour before the alarm goes off, depressing myself.
I think I'll just get out of bed next time.

It doesn't help that my days are so shitty now. I think this must have something to do with my
lack of sleep.
Which I can't do anything about.
I can't wait for thanksgiving weekend over the next couple of days.
I'll be able to get sleep, hang around people that won't work me like a slave, and eat food I don't have to make all by myself.
I won't even have to keep my foul language in check.

I won't have to try to pretend to be someone I'm not.

On a side note, I cut an onion yesterday while preparing tacos, midday snack and two cheesecakes for guests that night all at the same time.
Of course it made me cry.
and that was the first time I've cried in over three months, probably six actually.
I know that they weren't real tears, not emotional tears, but it still felt really good (aside from the stinging from the sulphuric acid), and I know that if I can just somehow cry out all the frustration I'm feeling over the past ages, I will feel better.

:S

You spin me right round. Pt 1

I need to unwind. This may take a while, and lot of virtual blogging space.

last week my fake nannying family was on vacation. I had the house mostly to myself, and my friend was over.
It was great. Relaxing, not so much stress, I slept in a little everyday, the house stayed clean.

Then they came home.
All I can describe my feelings when they walked through that door and started putting all their shit in my clean kitchen was utter depression, anger and sadness.
depression because I knew the relaxing was over
anger because suddenly I was being asked to do 5 million things at once while the kids went and covered shells with water in newly cleaned cups
sadness because I've lost the ability to show these emotions anymore, and because I knew what was coming up ahead in the next few days.

lucky for me, I got to leave soon after, and went to my friend's birthday party.

That was fun. I learned some things about myself, and about other people. I met some new interesting people, and got proposed to because of my food. Well, that is, after I was told they'd go straight for me if they weren't already with someone else, lolz.
Oh, my feminine wiles.... :P

I spent the whole next day at my friend's house, playing board games with him and his family. I have attained a new comfort level with this friend, and I think it's because I don't just hang around with him, but also with his family.
I think it also had to do with the drunken fighting I did with him at the party the night before.
Anyways...

the kids I nanny (and their parents) used to always tease me and him, and said we loved each other, etc etc etc.
Which is untrue (although, he did admit at the party in his state, that he'd thought about dating me before, and it totally made me triumphant and realize that I wasn't going crazy all the time. he just lied.), and they still tease. I'm okay with this teasing now. This is what this level has brought me to.
Also, his mother is now also going to be off his back.
he told her I liked someone else.
Which made her ooh and ahhh, and I am not quite sure what she thinks of it.

I think I hate the children's mother. I mean, actually hate her. It's a weird type of hate. Maybe this is what makes my job so difficult for me, working for someone I hate.
But I don't think anyone would blame me.
Also it's harsh seeing their dad's Twitter posts, and seeing allllll the comments people post.
how do you do it all?
you're an inspiration
do you ever sleep?
those kids are so lucky to have a dad like you
you should slow down, you do too much!
wow!
I take that as a personal insult. Everytime I see one of those, I feel like commenting and telling them the truth. That it's because someone is getting dragged along in the dirt, treated like a peice of underpaid trash that is only worthwhile when she's awake and babying him and his family through life.
Yes, I'm bitter.
But I'm doing it for his kids. Sure as hell not him or psycho-wife. And some day, when those kids act like normal human beings, I'll know it's because I had some influence on them.
Because I know it isn't from them.
Not when their youngest child outwardly loves me more than his mother.