And in the Crush of the Dark, I'll be your Light in the Mist.

The title of this particular post is from a song called "Tigerlily" by the artists La Roux. That Light is a person I wish I could have in my life, but I don't know who they are.

I have been up and down emotionally today, even though the day wasn't too bad.

It was one of those days when asked, I will say it was just "okay", not because it was demanding with kids or things didn't get done, but because my emotions have been toying with me in a way that I cannot blame on hormones.

I've been up and down more times today than a new yo-yo in the hands of an excited eight-year-old boy.

I was also angered by the fact that I have no one to cry to, and reminds me that I never really did.

I have honestly, I believe, never had someone that I just came to and talked and cried.

I think sometimes also, that this reason is simply because I don't trust people that way. And this is due to the fact that I don't think that they can understand.

They don't get the fact that my life sucks, and when they try to understand, the way they talk is completely different from what I'm feeling, and it just makes me feel worse. They don't understand how dark I feel inside, how isolated, they don't know how hollow their words seem sometimes, even though I know they mean it, and it's simply because my mind won't allow myself to believe them.

I understand their encouragement.

I understand everything happens for a reason. But in my life, the only fucking reasons I can see, are reasons that lead me to a worse shit situation than before. I've looked. I've read diary entries. My life sucks.

I don't even feel bad about just putting it out in the open like this. I don't care what it sounds like, I simply couldn't compress it anymore. I don't feel like I'm self pitying myself, that's how bad it's gotten. I'm upset, and depressed, and sad, and fucking angry.

I'm angry at my family, at God, at the people who make my life horrible, and I'm angry at myself for making mistakes that there was no possible way to avoid, as if I could have known different at the time.

I can try poetry, but it barely helps. It just makes me want to fall asleep. and I don't know if anyone could understand.

**I apologize for the ridiculously awful picture of myself. It was taken awhile ago when I was feeling something similar to as I am now. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't think my blog had enough space for that anymore, so this was just something I needed to do to get my emotions out.