hollywood undead

(is what is playing on my laptop right now, i actually really like them.)
so, i did one of those random quizzes on facebook today, and since they didn't make any spelling mistakes in it, i kinda liked it. i found out what my 'sign' is: the peace sign

"You are the Peace Sign, the friendliest of all the symbols. You try and get along with everyone and most of the time, you succeed. You love colors and circular shapes. Bringing joy to everyone in the world is your goal, along with ending world hunger, war, and making world peace. You work hard for what you get and deserve it. Don't give up with your plans. =)"

regardless of most fb quizzes being total crocks, this is actually totally me. i was even discussing this issue with becca and calvin last night, before this quiz was even before my eyes.

friendly? definitely (most of the time, anyway, lol) i guess i'm just a people pleaser, although i try to not be a pushover.
love colours? all you have to do is take a look at my earring collection to know this is true. and my socks.
circular shapes? yes. they represent continuity, unity and smoothness. i love the shape of the dreamcatcher above my bed. i love names starting with "O" ^^
i don't know if i could get world peace and all that jazz, but it's certainly a nice idea. i work hard for everything i do or else i feel like i'm mooching...although i'm not sure if that's a completely different issue, lol.
and, finally, i LOVE the =) at the end of the description. it is basically me personified, especially the slitty eyes XD

but i am going to bring it back to that discussion i was having with my two friends. as a result of talking about sexual activity, who we could never do such a thing with, and the difference between a boy's boy smell and a girl's apparent unique taste, my brain went off on some random tangents later when i was alone and just dozing off to sleep.

i really despise having mini-"revelations" and not being able to properly put them into words, but here goes.
so what i've discovered is that i have absolutely NO conscious ability to attract males in a more than just friendly manner. i'm probably even worse uncounsciously. i'm too honest, too loud, too uncoventionally feminine and unfeminine at the same time, and just incapable at non-friendly flirting. it always just comes out as cute and playful, like you were just fooling around 'flirting' with your friend for fun to make each other laugh because you know neither of you are interested in the other.

Sigh.

it's even worse when the person is older or firstly an acquaintance of one of my older sisters because then i am the little sister, even when they are only like, 3 years older and had they not known my siblings, would have the opportunity to be just as attractive as any other 18/19 yr old. but, being the little sis or whatever, i am safe, neutral, unnattractive, cute little kid material.
it sucks ass. (and sometimes gets you in trouble when the assholes decide to play tricks with you)

because, you know, it's great to socialize with those older than you, and amazing to be able to be friends with all the guys when i know that a lot of girls have difficulty with that, but sometimes, i'm just really fucking sick of it.
if i were in a book, it would end up with me getting the great guy (prolly some slightly geeky/attractive good guy with a bad boy edge who makes me look inside myself for some inner worth or some shit like that. not to say that i don't find those guys attractive, but i don't know if i want the stereotype just for conventional purposes. as i mentioned, i am a little unconventional. and crazy.)

but this isn't a book, it's a cruel, usually unfair world, and it is brutal and annoying and tiring me out. it's not like i've been actively looking for someone and am ready to give up, but the fact that no one has seemed to notice or mention anything or put some interest forward in this my 18th year of life is pissing me off. i didn't realize i was so unnattractive. it's not like i'm a recluse and never meet anyone, that is about the opposite of me. but whatever, i'm not going to fight nature.

unless nature says i;m to be a nun, then i will say hell no.

so yeah. makes me mad, makes me sad, makes me wonder, but you know, whatver will be will be.
(i just wish i had the ability to help that 'whatever' along....)