WWWWaaaarrrrrrggghhhh

Frick it's been a while.
It's almost embarrassing. Seriously.

Life is full of surprises, that's no surprise.
What's surprising to me is that I keep happening upon them. I am not sure yet if this is good or bad, but I'm not dead yet, so I will take that as either a harmless/neutral and/or good sign.

Speaking of dead. I wrote a poem last night, and showed it to a few friends. I really wanted to just have that calming sensation of putting my pencil to paper and writing, so I did a quick, one-page poem. Not entirely structured, I am sure, but, a poem, albeit made with messy, messy writing.

In this poem, I mentioned suicide. I mentioned how I haven't been having suicidal thoughts, which is always a good thing. Now when I reread the poem, those lines hit me. I remembered the last time that I did have those thoughts. If any of my friends could read this, they may be surprised to find out just how often I used to think about it (I guess because I exude the personality of a very cheerful person).

In short, I used to consider wiping myself from the face of the earth more times in the day than a porn addict jacks off in a corner.
This was for many reasons, and was quite frequent during my grade twelve year, which, if anyone who knows me can remember, was quite a segregated year for me.

It wasn't that I felt useless, or that I was some emo person or whatever.

I was just so...sad.
I didn't want to be here anymore.
I didn't want to deal with life day after day with the people I wanted in that life being absent so often.
I wanted to stop crying for unknown reasons.
I wanted to stop riding my emotions that rose and fell each day based on how much I was left without the people I cared about.

I wanted to stop being alone.