It would be so easy for me to just give up and give in. To become like the others, to lose my own ideals for someone else's. To amalgamate, to assimilate. It would be so simple to just forget what I believe in favour of someone else.
Would I want someone so badly as to do that? I'm such a scaredy cat. What would be the point.
Do I want to feel accepted, do I want to feel like I belong?
Why wouldn't I feel like I belonged in the first place; I don't understand. Where is this insecurity coming from, is the question.
Because I would get so afraid to lose what I have.
I would feel so wrong about it.
I'd be just going with the crowd, losing myself in a sea of people who are so sad and afraid themselves that they want nothing but to relate with each other on flimsy topics.
I need something more, but I'm scared too.
The only one beating me up here, telling me, asking me, if I want to be like the rest, is myself. There's no one in the room pointing a gun at my head and telling me to change how I think. It's just me, me and my brain, my brain telling me I should do something soon before that gun is pointed at my head.
But no one's going to point that gun. Never.
If someone did that, I would not feel like becoming like them. I don't like guns.
Instead, I would ask myself how I could have ever fallen in friendship with someone who would do that to me.
Which is why, when I calm my silly stupid little brain down, I'm not afraid anymore.
When I stop spazzing out, I tell myself I should stop becuse there are lots of people who love me just the way I am.
If I change, I'm not going to be the only one, and it will happen in my own time and the way I want it to go, and everyone I know will be growing with me, because that is just the way that these things happen. If we grow apart, so be it, but it won't be because I was threatened.
If we grow closer, it will just be more affirmation for me.
^_^
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment